this state of mind

I feel like every time I write a new post,my thoughts are slowly coming into place and things just suddenly don't seem as bad any more.

Things have been really bad,yeah but I'm starting to realise that I'm strong within and I have the ability to conquer my inner feelings and yeah!

But that also really doesn't mean everything is okay again.Because things never will be and that's okay because it shows that I'm still alive and fighting.

It's okay for people to not know about the battles that I've been fighting every day.

I'm proud to say that although 95% of the things in my life isn't going well now,I'm still writing this without feeling the slightest urge to cry.And that's how much I've grown. I've come to realise that appreciating the 5% is more important than anything else in the world.

My state of mind is just like these waves.Initially,it all seems overwhelming and scary and complicated.But when the tide is down and I start to reflect,the waves start to calm down and that's when I rationalise my thoughts.

People always know the idea of sad but how sad is sad they don't know.Neither do I. I may not be the saddest person here but what I'm facing right now just isn't the thing to be happy about.

As of right now,every aspect of my life is falling apart and I really can't accept the fact that I,who have be fairly successful since young is facing such a situation.Every thing just shuts down and nothing works any more. I wake up everyday with doubt,uncertainty,demoralised,fears and everything else.It isn't any better when I realised that I've lost everything.What used to be isn't it any more.It just feels like whatever I had was a dream and now everything is gone,leaving me to wonder and think of what could have been.Leaving me to wish upon a star that time could rewind.Every single goddamn day.

Then again,these are just feelings of the waves when it's high tide.Maybe, I just gotta put that picture down.Maybe I need to make new memories.The other day at the firefly tour boat ride
with my friends,I looked at the vast blue sky with thousands of stars shining brightly and fireflies lighting up in front of my eyes.And then I thought to myself:Would it be better if for once,I put down all these burdensome things that make me feel sad and just live my life freely even if I thought I couldn't?

Life is full of undiscovered beauty and I'm just tying myself down to the same people,same environment and same vibes which explains why I feel so sad all the time because I never really get to see the many other beauty of the world other than these faces and these memories.I promised I wouldn't let these people complete me and I needed to run away from all these.

And I'm here,writing every one of my thoughts down.Yes,that page was beautifully and fantastically written but we all need to find the courage and strength to turn the page and continue the story...because there's just so much to that book than that single page...