the truth about you

Somehow, I wish that you'd be reading this so you'd know but somehow,I wish you wouldn't too so it won't become bad between us but it already is and I have nothing to lose even if you find out one day.

But this is what has been on my mind lately, all the truth that I've been holding back.

Truth is, 8 months on and none of my feelings have changed.

I'm trying my best to not break when I hear your voice because you've done more than hurt me.

I would say, this year, I saw you at your ugliest but I still stayed and I still cared. I set myself on fire to keep you warm. 

We're not something, but we're not nothing either.

What we had between us was, this grey area that isn't really worth defining but I'm a end-of-the-spectrum kind of person.I'm never the person for ambiguity.That day,you said you have no idea why people thought that we were together.Honestly, I wanted to just spill it to you but I guess you'd never admit it or understand it to begin with. It's more than the way we speak, in case you didn't realise.

There is a reason why people think that we're together. Someone told me before, the way you treat me, wasn't the way you treated anyone else. So, I was just broken when I realised that I don't actually mean as much as you mean to me. For the second time in my life, my heart shattered into pieces, again. 

I guess all along you were on a different page as me so you would never see it the way I see it.

I can't believe how much I cared about you, running round to defend your name when people insulted you. I can't believe how I even abandoned my priorities because of you. But I have no one else to blame but myself, for going all out for you.

To be honest, you indirectly saved my life and I can't deny that.
You taught me many things I never knew and most importantly, you made me believe in humanity again.
You indeed made me see that not everyone is bad and not everyone leaves.You were this bridge that I needed to seek refuge.

But when I left, it seems like the rain hit me harder than before. The truth about you is ugly, something you never would want to hear about.

Right now, I'm trying so hard to not need you in whatever that I do. It's so hard to learn how to be independent when all you ever did was to make me need you. Now I'm spending all my nights convincing myself that I'm a whole by myself.

While I see this friendship slowly shatter in front of me, I realise that there was no turning back to this. Some times, you make me wonder why am I not good enough. I chide myself.You make me wonder what am I so lacking for you because I don't see it.

 I was honestly so disappointed in you when I heard those words from your very mouth that day. It seemed like nothing between us had ever mattered to you anyways. All you wanted was her anyway. Sorry it was my fault that I thought that our friendship was above yours and hers. Because I really thought it was. Is she really worth the sacrifice of our friendship?When all I ever did was to fight for you. I'd choose you over most people any day and all I am to you was just a backup plan. Nicely done there.

I missed everything that we had before this. I missed how easy was to spill and talk about our lives and those were the simple joy and all I ever wanted was that. You just had to mess it all up, right?

Now I lost faith in humanity again, because of you and this time, I probably wouldn't get it back again. Again, I spend nights crying for you. I knew that you were afraid of making people cry so I didn't tell you then. But you've made me cry time after time. You gave me hope and then shatter it, as simple as that. You don't realise whatever you did was wrong and when you realised it you just abandoned everything on me, leaving me to deal with this mess alone.

I wasn't even expecting us to be more than friends, but I hoped that at least I meant something to you. Everyone told me that I did, but apparently to you, I didn't.

The truth about you is that, you knew how to fix people but you also know how to break them. This is the cruel irony of you and you're a piece of irony of your own.

disappointed

(っ˘̩╭╮˘̩)っ

      。

    。

      。

   。

      。

i shook my head. 

but truth is i am, very. 

for you're just a another passer-by, 

who come and go 

leaving behind nothing but empty promises. 

   。

      。

you've gotten it all wrong

you're a whole piece of irony 

you're walking down a wrong path

but i can't stop you. 

     。

 。

the further down that path you walk, 

the further we become 

as the gap between us parallel lines increases 

while you slowly meet your intersecting line 

。

   。

nevermind me 

i'm just someone you put in second place 

nevermind me

you're just too oblivious to notice everything again 

    。

。

and you're just too blinded by love

to be too dumb and brainless 

to notice how much i'm hurting by you

and how i'm setting myself on fire again to keep you warm. 

     。

。

number three

You know what's my favourite number? 3.You know why? I always believed that it's okay to make a mistake more than once, meaning that you're allowed to make a mistake twice. But when it comes to the third time, you're supposed to get it right because when it comes to third time, you're supposedly wiser and stronger than before.

Well, this isn't always the case. Like right now, it just proved me wrong. I thought that this time, I would get it right,what I didn't know was how wrong this is, how I've came so far realising that this path was a dead end all along.

I just had to say this or I don't think I'll be able to get it off my chest.

Friendships are delicate. I believe you should know that. Not just friendships, even relationships and what not.Words are insignificant.Your actions says it all.One wrong move and everything just falls apart. It's a ripple effect.I mean your actions right now are just making me doubt this friendship and what this friendship really means to you because you are just not being clear about boundaries and stuffs like that and I don't like this. You're just making me hate this friendship.

Really, if someone else is more important than me, then please please please do not treat me better than that other person. Please don't raise my hopes up. Please treat that other person better, care about that other person, talk to that other person, love that other person. It's really selfish of you to give your attention to people who probably don't mean as much to you.

I know that you're just a good-natured person and you genuinely care for others but all these are really too much for me. The more you care, the more it makes you seem like you're just pitying me, which I don't need. Seriously, I know how to take care of myself.
I may be unstable at times and really needy of help but eventually,I know how to get up on my own two feet. Really, just save your time and energy for others. I don't appreciate people's sympathy.

You know, I have a thing about people who treat me nice. People who treat me nice are either lonely, bored or horny. People just talk to me because they need company.It is so rare that someone who treats me nice have good intentions. Therefore,I don't like this idea of getting too close to someone who actually has 0 intention in improving this friendship. I'm sick and tired of getting used time and time and again. I am not a door mat. 

I feel like I need to get this clear across once again. Women are not your toys. Please don't play with their feelings. It's childish and stupid.  Don't feel guilty, don't feel bad. Just leave, it's okay, I'd rather have someone who puts in thieir 100% for me than to have someone like you who puts only one foot in. You're insincere and you'll only hurt me more this way. I'd rather have no one to help me than to have someone who helps me because they either pity/feel guilty for me. I'm sorry I thought that you are way better than this.

It's like wanting to buy that shoe on the display at the shoe rack. You saved up for it for years but all of a sudden, one day the shoe is no longer there because it was sold to someone who offered more money for the shoe. I guess you are the shoe that I wanted so badly and I guess I just wasn't enough for you so I lost you just like that, literally in the blink of an eye. It's hard to fight when the fight isn't fair. I give up.

Don't waste your time on me please.

Plus, I don't know what you're thinking but honestly this is not the way to treat someone you like. If you really like someone, you need to put in the effort for them. Don't give your 50%,give it your all. It's unfair for them as well. You need to commit yourself wholeheartedly.

So please, I hate being a second choice. Take me or leave me. I'm not a second option, even as a friend. Don't just talk to me because you're bored I don't need that. I can stand people being better than me but I absolutely can't stand people putting me as a plan B. For crying out loud, I'm not a one-night stand how many times do you want to see me get bruised?

I've only so much strength left. I'm aware that I probably don't matter as much to you. I really will respect what you wish but please also respect my wishes so therefore, please either

1. show me that you really mean what your actions say
2. or get out of my life asap and quit messing with me

There's only so much tolerance I can take. I'm not your goddamn toy. Thanks

close to something yet almost nothing

Well hello there. So today I just felt like writing things down so yeah. So as you can tell from the title of this post, it's really about being so close yet so far. To be honest, I'm really apprehensive of writing this right now because I don't really know who's reading this actually and although writing here makes me feel better and feel free because of the anonymity of my readers and I won't feel so insecure and judged sharing my problems and stuff,but then again, bad thing is that not knowing who reads it makes me feel like omitting some details so no one knows who I'm writing about.

Well, today, I was thinking about this.

At 12, I didn't know what love was. All I experienced was the joy of loving, which isn't exactly realistic as I grew up. It was just full of empty promises and showers of gifts and warmth.

At 14, I still had no idea what's it really mean to love. All I experienced was the pain of loving. Late nights of negative thoughts and tensions and sadness and grief.

At 16, it's kind of a combination of both. Happiness and pain all at once. How is that possible right?

Yeah,of course it's not possible.

So I was starting to think about parallel lines again. Always close but they never meet. This concept blows my mind up so much because of how uncannily true it is.

Sometimes, I really wonder if there's actually a point healing or not because every time I was healing,I get broken harder than ever again.

Is there really a point healing then? I'm so tired of trying to convince myself that it's okay, that I just have to be patient and some day things will work out,I'm tired really because time after time, it just proves me wrong,that none of my self-comforting will ever work out. Just when I thought I was gonna be able to heal, suddenly everything just comes crashing down again.

There's only so much heartbreak my heart can take you know,how many times can a heart break? I really don't know anymore where all the places people talk about being happy and feeling loved because it just seemed like I'm always being pulled in the other direction of that place and now it seems further than ever.

After the one at 12, I thought I would heal at 14, and then at 16,I broke,again. I just hate myself for feeling everything so deeply,too deeply. It's like this world is unfair, because no one really feels as deeply as I do, and none of my feelings are being reciprocated.It's just me and myself,again.

Someone help me please.

This monster never leaves me you know? That stinging feeling in your heart,it's like you can't breathe anymore and it leaves you tired and broken. Last night, I felt exactly that way. It's like a panic attack all over again and I was desperately trying to find someone to talk to but not being able to find anyone at all.

It's like never being good enough you know, everyone's just better than you. And to be honest I don't really need your sympathy,if you're just caring because you pity me then don't. I really don't appreciate it because all along it felt as if you were just pitying me sorry I'm way better than that.

Oh sorry, it's my fault, for thinking that you're different but no you're just the same as any screwed up guy out there in school. Same as him, same as anyone else oh gosh I really don't get how I used to see you so differently.

I really don't get why am I so oblivious and keep letting people walk over me like that. It's as if my whole life is just made up of one night stands.Different people,different stories,just the same intention,to use me and get over it. The one thing is in one night stands, you're not allowed to have feelings.I seemed to have clearly broke the rules.

But what I can't get over is not the pain of not working out.

It's the pain of being so close to working out.

These additional 3 words just hold so much meaning to it. Almost. The almost kills so much. It's like putting so much effort practicing for a marathon and then someone just takes over you at the very last lap. You immediately lost all hope. I'm that athlete that has been lied to time and time and again. That I was good enough,that I should be resilient but when the truth is right before you very eyes,will you still believe what they say?

It's always such an irony. The one who picks you up are often the one who push you down afterwards. Oh, how cruelly true that is. For the span of these few months, I was so damn close to healing.And then I broke again last night by the same thing that healed me.Now I'm back to my usual self,devoid of every single hope.

I'm tired.Very tired.

pit-stops

The way I see it,

I'm travelling all around the world.
And  the world is made up of people.

It feels like everyone is a pit-stop,
for me to take a break,
to learn something new.

Because when you slow down and stop for a while,
you will feel a little more comfortable in your own comfort zone.
When there is someone you can turn to,
someone to help you.

All of a sudden,you're happy again.
You can breathe, you feel relieved.

But soon enough, it's always time for you to leave again.
As usual.
And when you leave,you'll never come back to the same place again.
And that's how I picture it.
Of the people I once loved so dearly.
Of the people I shared the fondest memories with.

I learnt that nothing will ever be permanent and I can't stay.
So please don't hold on to me too tightly,
because I will leave.

So thank you for everything.
Thank you for your hospitality.
But I have to make my way now,
to somewhere new,
to meet new people.
Thank you for all the memories.
I will remember to miss you at nights,
all of you.

Because remember,
I don't belong to anyone.

thank you:)

Before you,

Nights felt long, as if they would never end. I kept waking up at 2,3am, crying my eyes out, because I missed someone so badly that I can't hold in my hands.

Days felt meaningless because there just wasn't a reason to carry on anymore. It was a vicious cycle I couldn't stop myself from going through because I was addicted to him, or rather addicted to the feeling of feeling loved. It was literally toxic, it just sucked the life out of me. It was painful and torturous and it seemed like I could never get out of it.It felt forever, it felt like I was never going to get over him,you know? I felt like my life will forever continue to revolve all around him and I will feel so sick every single day.

After you,

Things are different.I slept early and wake up early. There was a purpose to go to sleep, for I know that when I wake the next morning, I would see you and feel better again. It's been long since I visited my depressed self, and I guess it's due to you? You really tried to understand,to emphatise, which I never expected you to do. I hardly get nightmares now and I hardly frown or cry to sleep. Instead, every day, I smile remembering everything that happened throughout the day. Suddenly it feels as if I'm back to life again, carrying on because there is a reason to, and the reason is you.However, a flaw of mine is that I depend my happiness on others excessively and when others do not fulfill the expectation that I have of them, I will get disappointed and the whole cycle will just start again.Therefore,right now I'm just apprehensive and paranoid for what is to come in the future. I really don't want to end up having to sacrifice our friendship if you ever get to know this secret of mine. I really just wanted to let you know that I really value our friendship more than anything else and I will do anything to salvage this important friendship. Although I know that you will definitely find out in time to come, I just wanted to let you know that you have really changed my life for the better and I can't imagine life without you and I hope you know how important you are to me. So, even if one day you happen to know about it, please don't avoid me or change the way our friendship works,because I will really return to my old ways without you. You're really important to me, and I really appreciate everything that you have done for me,so don't let this go,please.

back to square one?

Okay hi, it's currently 2am right now and I guess I shouldn't write too much and probably go to sleep soon.

I've been wanting to say so many things that get caught up in my head.

Recently, it feels as if I'm being thrown into this circle of mess again. Feelings of confusion, pain and sadness. Honestly, despite knowing that there are people who care,despite knowing that I should be glad that things are over and are not as hard on me anymore, I still feel different. It's like nothing is the same anymore. I just can't get over the fact that people will look at me differently and treat me differently. It's not just them, but my friends as well. I don't want to say this to my friends, but I hate that now more people know that I'm trying to cope with depression and anxiety.

I feel like my own issues should be kept discreet and personal to myself.Or maybe I was the one who made it known(which I don't think I told many people) to them but nonetheless I just don't like people bringing up this matter in front of my face. It makes me feel vulnerable and weak. I wish that people could be more sensitive to my feelings and understand that such things aren't as simple as they think it is.

Many of my close friends,yes I understand their good intentions, but I can't help to beg to differ with their opinions but yet I don't know how to or want to tell them. I wished they'd respect my own decisions. I appreciate the effort and I understand but I don't think they'd understand enough to feel what I feel,really. And this causes tensions among all of us.

I wish I could tell them that this is very complicated. Trusting someone completely isn't easy for me,feeling left out isn't something I can control as well. With that said, don't even mention to stop blocking people out of my life. Yes, I know, I'm very guilty of doing it, but I also have my own reasons for doing so that I wish that it would be socially acceptable to tell people that you are not ready to talk to them. They say that depression is a very selfish illness and yes I agree. I wish that people wouldn't blame me for not talking to them or not wishing to be close to them because sometimes, it's really hard for me to learn to love again when I got my heart broken so many times. And it pains me even more to know that the people around me suffer when I suffer. Sometimes, I want to suffer alone. I can't even do that knowing that the people around me will get affected too.

Sorry that I'm difficult, but I just feel that it will be the best for everyone.

And because I don't have the freedom to do whatever I want without causing so many to worry about me and talk about me, I feel restrained and suffocated even more. Really, I can do this by myself, stop worrying so much for god's sake. The more you worry, the more uncomfortable and weak I will feel. If I ever need help, I know how to look for help by myself. So if I don't, please just stop assuming that I'm so in need of help that I can't even help myself. I really am trying to get back on my feet so stop making me feel even more demoralised.

So this is the mess I was talking about, everyone's impression of me. It's just one of my bad old habits that I can't kick. I'm a person who cares what others think of me so these things will just make me feel worse about myself and be extra cautious about my actions.

Maybe if only time could rewind, I could change some things. But I've already came so far what else can I do but to make the better out of tomorrow? I just need my close friends to read this and understand how I feel and just stop making me feel bad. I know they care and I know they're trying to help but I'm sorry to say that their help just makes things worse and that they shouldn't interfere with my problems unless I need help,really honestly and the reason why I don't want to tell them is because I don't want to hurt them and this is also part of the reason why I want to block people out of my life. I think I don't like to continue on with people when they make me feel bad about myself.

To be honest, I think the best way they could help me is just to be normal with me, don't treat me like I've been through sexual harassment, don't treat me like I have depression, don't treat me like I went though a broken relationship. Don't discuss about me behind my back. I really hate being different in your eyes and being talked about.Just treat me the way you would treat me before you knew the mess I am. Just have fun with me like we used to. All the small details in life,all the times we'd laugh and joke about little stuffs. I want that back, and not your worry and concern about me 24/7.I'd really appreciate that. :)