touch and go

Have you ever met someone and think that wow,he/she is a nice person.I like him/her.

It seems so easy to fall in love because we're all humans.

Today,I , realise that it's not hard to love someone.What's hard is to unlove someone.When you spend time with someone and you create beautiful memories together, it is obviously no doubt that you will feel an attraction to that person.It's unpredictable when the feelings will come.Not only people that you like but your friends and family as well.

Even so,there's always something that you have to beware if you ever like someone,which is the part where you have to let go.

Nothing lasts forever right?No matter how attached you feel,there comes a time when you just have to give up.Now all those perfect memories are destroyed.This is the scariest part.

I have major trust issues because I just know how many times I have trusted someone but always been broken by them.

I'm going insane,crazy and I want to scream.

They slowly creep into your brains unknowingly and they soon take over your head.They make you the happiest person,saying everything that you want to hear and then BOOM ,they ditch you when everything just don't turn out right.

I feel like the closer you get to someone,the more you should beware of what could happen.The more the friction,the faster it's going to burn.

You just have to accept the fact that things are temporary,no matter what they tell you.I will never believe anyone else who tell me that they will be there for me no matter what.It's just so hilarious to hear that.

Everyone can say the same line.But who will really mean it when I'm lost and lonely?

lost soul

Watching one drama after another,listening to one song after another,looking at one picture to another,it seems as if everyone else had someone to keep them company. Everyone but me. I was back to square one, back to where I was from the start,again.

Why does it feels so lonely?Maybe it's because I 'lost' everyone. I don't even know why and how it became like this. I can't tell anything to my best friend, I can't speak a single word to my parents without getting scolded for talking too much, I can't tell anything to anyone without getting judged.
There's really no one,which is why I visit this place more often,maybe it's because you guys are just strangers to me so I don't have to worry about saying something I shouldn't.

There's so many things going on in my head and I'm feeling so confused right now. What is one supposed to do when one feel like one is in the dark? I feel like everyone else knows about something I don't and I'm the only one who's not aware.I feel so sick trying to piece this puzzle together sometimes I just feel like giving up altogether.

Is this the aftermath of someone who came and went? It is obviously not a surprise to me but it makes things blurry for me. Suddenly, I don't know what I'm doing anymore and I don't know where I'm going and it feels like I'm walking around aimlessly because I feel so dizzy.

I am aware that I shouldn't keep wasting time on something that is already in the past and should let go of something rather than hanging on because it does lesser damage.The hardest part is always standing up.

Happy ending always has its time and its time is over. It is just so saddening to see everything else being so perfect while I'm just lost.

Maybe I'm just overthinking.Maybe I'm just too sensitive.But nothing beats the cold hard truth seen my own eyes.

I finally know why. It just because of the past. Days when I'm less occupied, I tend to think more of the past and realise how much things have changed now. That's what makes me sad and lonely.

Despite being strong enough to forget some things, there are always times when those dark days come back and take over my soul.

I miss everything.

my secret garden

Hey guys! So I have decided to make good use of my holidays by doing some activities...AND...I have decided to be blog it but I will not blog it here because I don't want to spam this blog as some people might not be interested to read about my bullshit activities but if you're keen to follow me on this interesting journey,you can head on down to a new blog I have created specially for those who are interested to read...or are just bored and need inspirations to do somethings over this long break.The link is https://stslsecretgarden.wordpress.com/.HAPPY READING AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!:)

dear 208

Dear 208,

You've been a reallyreallyreallyreallyreally awesome class that words really can't describe my feelings towards you guys.

Meeting you guys was probably the best thing that ever happened to me.I really don't know what I would do without you guys.You guys are the reason why I can tolerate school because just seeing you guys put a big smile to mu face.

You guys are like my children(haha idky) like wow I have 36 children.I love all your quirky antiques.Although you guys may not be the best behaved class nor the smartest class nor anything,you guys are the number one in my heart.You guys are the most bonded class ever and I bet even the teachers loves us!We're just that special,unique,different.Everyone of us is important because without any one of you,this class wouldn't be where it is right now.

I seriously bet no other class is like ours.

So here's a dedication to each and everyone of you guys(based on my point of view)

Jane:Been there since day 1 although we only got closer this year.The person whom you can totally go crazy with without getting judged. She's fun and everything and we've shared so much memories together  that's why she's my best friend!

Rayen:Probably the most outspoken girl in class,funny,pretty.She's just the friendliest person ever and so cool!!

Eunice:We probably ain't that close but I can tell she's a really fun person and I hope we'll get closer.

Siu Wen:The funniest person and the one who can cheer me up and the one who I can joke with all the time.I can talk to her anytime about anything and we literally will just click when no one else understands about what I'm talking about.

Gabriena:The cutie and the caring one.I really like her warm hugs and I really appreciate her cheering everyone on.She'a a really supportive and nice friend and gives me thons of advices when no one else gives a shit.The one who probably gets angry the least like omg how do you mange your anger so well?!?!

Glenys:Another cute and pretty one.She's really friendly and smiling all the time.I really enjoy spending time with her during the time between school dismsisal and cca.I think we became a little closer from there.Someone who doesn't get angry easily too!

Joy :Funny and nice.I really enjoy talking to her and listening to her rants sometimes because they make me laugh.Because she's joy mah!

Jacintha:Omg I can't express how glad I am to have this friend.I will never ever forget our dates at Jurong Point sometimes.It's Friday mah!She's so caring and helps me in many ways.We laugh and joke about so many things.I'm really thankful for her!:)

Ariel:Jonathan's wife yo!I really like having htht with her!She's just so matured and will understand everything!She's so fun too and it"s great to study with her!

Lim Li:I know we probably only got closer after study dates but I feel that she's a really nice friend to have!Pretty,cute,funny,tumblr.We have quite many stuffs in common that I feel that we click immediately!!She's like an elder sis to me or something hehe.

Xin Yi:The only cca mate in class!!I really enjoy spending time talking about cca with her.Without her,I'll be so lonely. She's a funny and fun person if you get to know her!

Jia Xin:We can just talk randomly and already feel like best friends.She's also quite outspoken in class and she makes our class bonded!

Yuan Ling:She's really a great friend to have.I enjoy talking to her so much and we'be also got closer because of studying and I hope we can create more memores when we go to Taiwan together!

Low Jia Yi:She's so cute because she's so blur.But she's also a great friend and she does not get angry easily.She's friendly as well because we can just click.

Clara:One of my closest friend.Thanks for being there when I needed someone.She's there to encourage and help me and I enjoy talking about studies with her.I love having her as a table mate and I will remember all the fun stuffs we did,trying to keep awake in class.

Siew Ting:The most awesome class chair!I like talking to you because you're just so matured and practical.Nothing can go wrong with you!And thanks for being the coolest table mate!

Shanice:.The smart and cute one!Although we don't talk much but she's really nice to me! I miss times when she raises her voice a little to be heard but the class suddenly quietens and it seemed like she was shouting.

Grace:The first friend I ever made and the one who I can talk anything to.She doesn't judge me at all!!I really enjoy jokes with her too!

Yu Jin: Although you may be childish at time but you're so funny and innocent that you make my laugh a lot.Thanks for being such a great company and tablemate for such a long time.

Le Xuen: I think you're a really kind soul and don't hold much grudge with anyone.You're easygoing and don't ask for much.You're really kind to me and I hope that we'll remain close.I'll never forget sleeping next to you during sec one camp.

Yan Jia Yi: I don't have much to say but I'm really grateful for all those morning conversations with you and catching up!

Caleb: I think he's the 'gem' in the class.I mean like without him and his weird antics,there will be nothing to laugh about.He is probably the only one who would make the whole entire class,including the teachers have a hearty laugh.

Ming Yang: Although he's quite a recluse from girls and some guys,his funny and sarcastic remarks will always be remembered.I just hope that he'll be friendlier.

Shuai Zhou: One of the most responsible class chairpersons I've seen in a long while.I bet many don't give two shits about the class but he's quite a responsible chap,except that he doesn't give considerations to many people.Having him as a table-mate for a few months made me learn more about him and also see two sides of him

Wee Hung: The secretly-gangster guy.This will always be my opinion of him.Always so quiet in class yet full of bullshit and craps,Fun but quite judgemental.

Lennel: The class joker,That guy can seriously join the drama club already.Yet still,I think he's one the wisest in the class and he's quite a funny and smart chap.

Pierce:  Honestly,I've never seen a guy as hardworking as him.But,he doesn't even show it.I'm just amazed how he works so hard but acts like he can't be bothered with anything.

Jonathan: He's the closest to me among all of the guys and I've learn so much more about him after chatting with him.He's one of the guys that I would genuinely consider a 'friend' because he's just more normal.

Jeremy: He might seem as a mugger and an irritating person but I personally find him alright and friendly.He's really a nice friend and not what everyone assumes him to be,just a little too competitive at times.

Ryan:I have to admit,he's the funniest and wittiest of all the guys.I don't know what is it about him but it attracts all the girls haha.I really ship #grayan by the way.

Jason: I must say.I'm really proud of that dude.He's made quite an improvement since last year like his behaviors and studies and all. He's not that bad,actually if you get to know him better.

Alvin: The most anti-social in class but at least he talks to me.He's fine I guess but he really needs to step out of his comfort zone.

Poh Chong: The one I've known for the longest but the least closest.He's making progress and I wish him all the best for the upcoming years.

Norman: People might see him as the most unfriendly of the guys but after having him as my tablemate for these past months.he's quite a thoughtful and nice guy,contrary to what everyone says but also, a little too competitive and fussy.

Jeremiah: Jeredog haha, I guess among all the guys,he's the one I would want to have a genuine friendship with because he's just so friendly.Maybe a little too friendship,His laughter is literally 'goals' I swear,Hyena laughter.He has been a great buddy in PE and I enjoy being in the same team as him.I hope he keeps his positive attitude and keep on laughing.

Terence: I'm sorry but the mention of his name makes me burst out laughing.It's probably the way how unconcerned he is about people talking about him and accepting everything they say.He's also nice but I guess he's also one of the reasons the class laugh everyday.

I mean just look at how unique this class is.I'm certainly going to miss such a wonderful class that I might not have in future.

fourteen

So recently,it was time to choose our subject combination.This is somehow significant to me in a way.At this age,people would normally think,ah..they're still little children.Then again,I'm not sure if I age faster than my other peers or is it just me.Being fourteen can mean a lot.Yeah,I've been through so much shit for so long,I'm sure I can do it for a long while more.It can also mean that I have my whole life to figure out.People say I'm just a child and I don't understand what they do.But,I've been through so much and I believe I'm wiser than many adults,not complimenting myself but I'm sure as technology advances,everyone becomes wiser as they learn more.

Completing two years of my secondary school,I feel liked I've aged quite a bit as compared to two years ago.The age of fourteen comes as a significance as it is the time when my parents slowly step out of my life and leave me all alone to decide what I want to do with it.As they reduce their daily reminders for me to do my homework and study for my tests to letting me have the freedom to choose whether or not I would like to have tuition classes,it seems to me as if I no longer had parents.Well,occasionally,we would still get to enjoy time together but sometimes they are just as hostile as they can be.

After choosing my subject combination,despite not really wanting to listen to how my dad complains about how history is useless and how literature is bullshit while science is everything,I realise that this is the beginning of the journey to my o'levels.And after that,it would be JC then after a couple more years of studying,I'd be working.Who knows if my parents and families would still be alive by then.

You know some time it really bothers me,how I was borned later than everyone else and how my families are elder than everyone else.When every single one of my friends still have their grandparents,all of mine have passed on.I wonder what I would be next time when all of them have passed on.I'm all alone,no siblings, less than 3 cousins my age.I'm just concerned about my future.

You may think that I'm just a fourteen year old girl with everything.Well,I just don't like to take everything for granted.I'm the type who would get ready for everything so that it doesn't comes as a shock to me,which explains why I overthink a lot.

What am I going to do?That's the real question here.

I have no idea.I don't even have a single idea what I am going to do this holiday while preparing for the hell of next year.Maybe my friends don't have to give a shit about anything because they are rich,they have company or they are still living in la la land.

Should I pursue my interests and learn more about them?Should I revise things that I'm not really sure?Should I learn to cook?Should I exercise more often?Should I sign up for classes?There are endless possibilities of what could possibly happen to me.Then again,my plans don't always succeed unless I'm am driven and motivated to do them.

Whatever the outcome,I just feel that I should take this time to look for activities that will benefit me and I also hope that it will help me to forget about things that I ever wanted but never gotten,how much my grades suck,how people always belittle me.

I have the sudden urge to improve myself during this period of time to prove them all wrong.

Now that I've been through the infant stages of my life,it is time to figure out what I want to do for real.I have to stop living in denial and uncertainty. When secondary three starts,I guess I'm going to learn to be more disciplined and focused.I really don't want to regret that I don't start planning earlier and find out that my whole life is a mess.

I also got to stop being so distracted.I guess this year,there are a couple of instances where I'm disturbed by some personal problems.

Fourteen is a big deal.I may not be that matured yet and I will most definitely change my mind again when I grow up but it's okay.What matters most is that I know where I am going and I'm not wasting my life away.I already screwed my life up once three years ago and I'm not going to do that again.This year had been quite a progressive year so far where I picked myself up and start running.Next year,it's all about sprinting to reach my goal.That's life,I know I'm not that fast yet as compared to everyone else but hey I'm making quite a progress for someone who has broken her legs.Now that's something I am proud of.It may be a small progress to everyone else but to me, I will always believe that I'm a strong soldier and I'm capable of much more.Yes,every now and then,I may be shot down by words that may be untrue but I'm not giving up.

I'm going to prove those who say I can't do it wrong.

lost and found

Life is a cycle of never ending fate.Of my whole life, of all the people I have ever met,ever loved,ever shared memories with,it's so saddening to remember that they are no longer part of my life and sometimes,I really do miss them and enjoy reminicing about the past.

As I get older and the more people I meet and the more friends I make,I eventually forget about those friends I made earlier in my life.As I go about my life,I do somehow bump into them on some occasions and I am quite glad that they are doing well.They may have forgotten about me,or rather,not even recognise me,but for those who played a great role in my life,whether good or bad,will forever be etched in my mind.They are the ones who have brought me great memories be it small or big.

So today I saw one of my childhood friends and it was really quite amazing to see how much he have grown after so long.I remembered how we were quite good friends until he shifted and we soon lost contact.But today,it makes me extremely delighted to see him once again.

And then I realised,fate.I have met so many people ever since I was born.Some are just passers-by, whom I don't see ever again.Some are family,the ones close to my hearts.Some,I admired before,although it's quite an embarrassing thing to confess.Some who used to be my friend but we drifted apart.Some whom I just met not long ago.It never stops going on.Life never stops.

Sometimes,it's hard for me to let go of some thing that I like or something that I love.I know that.As told before,I'm someone who feels everything so deeply and greatly.It's hard for me to get rid of feelings because I feel everything.But then I realise that that's life.

You just got to let go whether you like it or not.It is not an option,neither is it a choice.It is the way life is.You got to forget about old friends and new ones will come thereafter.I know,I know how important some people are and we might not be able to accept that they can no longer stay in our lives.

If it's meant to be,it's meant to be. If it's not meant to be,it's not meant to be.If you're destined to see that someone again to finish off where you guys started,you will see them later on in your life.Don't be tied down by someone just because of a moment of folly.You still have a long way to go in life.One year isn't a lot to judge your love towards someone.You will probably forget about them after four years have passed.

Me,well,I'm still learning how to do that but everyday,I'm getting better at this and I know I will do this.I still believe that some day,I will get over the people that I once loved and get over the fact that it's my fault that I lost them.

Every time you have a memory of someone,don't take it too personal because that moment can cause you to cling onto that person and it's hard to let go of them.

Still,I must say,it's all about fate.Let go and let fate decide for you.

;)

waiting for superman

I always believed that everyone is made for someone and that everyone would find their 'someone' someday.Not only in terms of relationship, but also in terms of friendship.Everyone needs someone to care for them and be there for them.As for me, every time I find that 'someone', I just lose them after some time.It's really sad to see who I started this year with and ended with.It was all perfect not long ago but I guess everyone grows up.Everyone leaves in the end.Nothing lasts forever.

Somedays, waiting for that 'superman' seems so tiring.It wears you out so much that you don't feel like doing anything else.Laying on your bed,lazily, not even wanting to get up and participate in life.Because you just crave them so much you would do anything for them.You would even die for them.You're moping over the fact that they don't even care about you,staring at your phone the whole day.You're just waiting for that person to come back and make whatever that has happened happen again.

But what's the point of doing this to yourself?Is it even worth it?Wasting your time on some people who may not even realise that you're doing this to yourself?

Sometimes, you just got to find the courage to let go.Stop thinking about that person and know that there's still a long way ahead of you. There are plenty of people whom you will meet in the future. It doesn't mean that just because you met someone who have given you so much to remember will stay there forever.

You know I am always the one who believes that everything happens for a reason.Yes, someone might step into your life but that doesn't mean that it's permanent.Maybe that person existed to teach you something or maybe you guys will meet again in the future,I don't know.

Just believe that everything is well-arranged for you and it is suited to the best of what it is supposed to be.It is definitely not worth it to keep brooding over the same things and hoping that it will happen again. Depressing yourself for them is unworthy.

Find that strength to help you get out of bed.Put your phone away for some time.Tie your hair up,wash your face, clean your room up.Read a book,go out with your friends.Clean the house,do your homework.There's so much you can do without them.

You are worth so much more.What's the point of reminising the past when they're things that have turned into something untouchable, far away?It pains you to try to reach for something that you will never get.So why not grab everything you can reach right now before they too, are too far for you to reach.

Life only happens once,don't be too obsessed in searching for what you have lost, for there will be more treasures for you to find and keep in the future.And remember that,people come and go all the time so don't be too surprised whenever someone leaves,get used to it because that's just the way life is.The lesser expectations you have, the lesser pain you will feel.Let go and enjoy life.:)

i hate you

ps. sorry if you hate my tone you can just not read this because this is all about ranting HAHA

What did you take me for?

What did everyone take me for?

Just because I am there doesn't mean that you can use me.

I was there for you when everything wasn't right.And when you found better friends,you totally ditched me.I thought that you could be trusted.I thought that you promised that you will be there.Now that I need you, I can't even see you.

Do you even remember everything that had happened because I do.I treated this friendship as something that was special and unique and I swear not everyone has this kind of friendship.

Maybe you don't know but I really treasure this friendship a lot and I have been thinking so much about it lately that I can't even fall asleep.You just somehow mean THAT much to me while I'm probably some dog to you that is so easily replaced by someone else.

I missed all the stupid things that we used to do together. You were like my best friend I couldn't even trust anyone else.I told you all my secrets and everything. My one and only true best friend.

I am utterly disappointed with you.Who was the one who said that they had no friends?Who was the one who promised that we would stay friends forever?

And just like that,I lost a friend.

Also,remember how you picked me up when I was so broken. You were the one who broke through my walls when I was backing away from everyone.You told me how to open my heart up when people like you are the ones who break my heart over and over again which is why I never ever trusted anyone,neither let them in.

It's people like you who gave me so much hopes towards a better life but yet are the ones who break me the most.The ones who make me cry all the time.

And you just left me here,all alone,not knowing what to do and just hoping that someday things will go back to the way it was.

You made me feel special,but now,you just throw me aside and think that everything would be fine.You think that just because you don't care means that I don't think brood about it?

You're not the only one who can rant alright?If you really treat me as your friend,you would know by now who you are and I hope you know that friends don't treat each other like that. 

I hope that one day, someone will stay.Everyone just leaves.All the time.

my sunshine

I was drowning.I was out of breath,I was dying.

You were my sun, drying up all the waters until I could breathe again.

I was cold and shivering.

You were my sun, giving me warmth and comfort.

I was alone,no one wanted to talk to me.

You were my sun,smiling at me all the time.

I felt stupid and useless

You were my sun,everywhere I go,I see you and you encourage to carry on.

And then,the storm came and you were gone.

I lost my sun.

It was cold and lonely.

You left me wondering where you went.

And then I thought, it's my fault for chasing  you away.

I'm sorry for using my umbrella to shield away from you.

I'm sorry for hiding away from you.

Maybe I didn't treasured having you.

Maybe that's why you went away.

And it's probably too late,you've probably fallen in love with Neptune.She's so flawless while I'm nothing.Or maybe you like the moon for her fragility.

Whatever it is,I know it's too late to say anything for I know I will never get the chance to rewind and make things happen again.I will never get the chance to know what we more we could have been..

For I lost my sun, my one and only sun.My sun who was there for me when no one else was,sharing every single precious memory with me.I really miss my sun.

I love my sun.

that time of the year

Oh well,we've reached the part where many things happen.

It's the time when you meet new pepole and you kinda drift away from old ones.I don't really know if i's just me or what but as far as I know,for the past 3 years,it's this time of the year that left me the greatest impression.

I don't really know what's the significance of the end of the year.Is it to start to reminise everything that you've been through the past months,to miss everything,be happy about new friends,sad about losing old friends,apprehensive of the future?There's an infinite number of feelings you have when you approach this level.

This year,however,is the year where I would probably feel like 2 years ago.Although it's not really the end of the journey,I already feel everything coming back to me.This year is our steaming year and it marks the 2-year journey with my favourite class,208,as well,which is very sad:(It comes to that point of time where we all separate and make new friends. I'm really someone who dislike changes so I'm really unsure if I would like my new classmates.I just hope that history would not repeat itself(it probably won't )

Other than that,I really miss a day this year so terribly.It was the day I really felt happy genuinely.Although there were many other days which made me happy,I guess that was my favourite.

I do treasure everyday bit I still feel sad knowing that it's gonna end and it feels so real.I'm gonna do a dedication post to 208 in my next blog of something because I really love them so much.:):):):)

Hehe I think I should write now while I still remember everything.