innocence to regrets

Hi  to everyone in 2017! Do you smell the fresh new air? Ha I'm just kidding all I smell is bullshit.But anyways, yay to my first ever post in 2017 and I thought, what would be more apt than to write a post of how foreign I've been feeling to this brand new year.

Between bus rides, night skies and sunsets, I've been thinking about many things.

so this was a song recently released by the chainsmokers, it's called paris.

I felt that the message the video was trying to convey is something that I am feeling right now.A year older, everything still feels so different no matter how much I have already expected it to be. I could really relate to all the new songs that have been released in 2017 so far. They're all about reminiscing the good times and strengthening ties between friendships and the people who brought them up,which in my point of view, should be something every senior should be feeling.

1. Castle on the Hill -Ed Sheeran
2. Paris -The Chainsmokers
3. I don't wanna live forever -Zayn Malik & Taylor Swift

First times were always the best. First times are always the most memorable that even if it were to happen the second time, it wouldn't be as enjoyable or memorable anymore,which is pretty sad if you think about it. The thrill of exploring unexplored regions in your life makes you curious to see the outcome. You get motivated, you want to do this, you want to do that,you feel happy. Those were the junior years of my secondary school life. This innocence in you will always exist no matter at what age. From the moment you open your eyes, it's innocence. The innocence to go through the day with anticipation. And they say innocence is bliss because you don't worry. You don't know. You just dive in headfirst.

And years down, when you go through the same routine over and over again, the spark of curiosity just isn't there anymore. You may still wake up with hope in your eyes, but deep down you know, that the ending will be the same every time and that sparkle in your eyes die down. You already know how you're going to hit your head real hard and get hurt. You refuse to but you have no choice to go through yet the same steps every time. You calculate and you plan, every step, every meter you fall, how deep, how painful, you worry if you would get scratches or bruises. And somehow, the ride isn't fun anymore. It's just like how you go to an amusement park to take your same favourite ride all the time. And then one day, you just don't feel the same as you did when you first stepped into it, with excitement. That's the moment when you know, you've grown up. That's how I feel right now, my senior year in secondary school. The juniors, they all look so happy, because they're full of innocence.

I look at myself,full of bruises and cuts and I'm not sure if I should laugh about them or cry. I like to point out to them and share the story of how I got them to others."Oh I got this while I was night cycling in secondary 2." "Oh, I got this when I remembered how I enjoyed talking to this person for some time but now we don't talk anymore." And suddenly, you miss them all. You're filled with regrets of how you didn't treasure them enough. But even if you did, the ending will still be the same regardless. And even though there's still a stretch of path I've yet to walk down and I'm still left with a little curiosity left to walk this last stretch and see the end of the rainbow, but nonetheless I still hoped that I could take a trip back. They were all too beautiful. Way too beautiful. If you can't really imagine how I picture it in my mind, take a look at these lyrics.


When I was six years old I broke my leg
I was running from my brother and his friends
And tasted the sweet perfume of the mountain grass as I rolled down
I was younger then,
Take me back to when...

I found my heart and broke it here
Made friends and lost them through the years
And I've not seen the roaring fields in so long,
I know I've grown
And I can't wait to go home

I'm on my way
Driving at 90 down those country lanes
Singing to "Tiny Dancer"
And I miss the way
You make me feel,
And it's real
We watched the sunset over the castle on the hill

Fifteen years old and smoking hand-rolled cigarettes
Running from the law through the backfields and getting drunk with my friends
Had my first kiss on a Friday night,
I don't reckon that I did it right

But I was younger then,
Take me back to when...

We found weekend jobs, when we got paid
We'd buy cheap spirits and drink them straight
Me and my friends have not thrown up in so long,
Oh, how we've grown
But I can't wait to go home


One friend left to sell clothes
One works down by the coast
One had two kids but lives alone
One's brother overdosed
One's already on his second wife
One's just barely getting by
But these people raised me
And I can't wait to go home

And I'm on my way,
I still remember these old country lanes
When we did not know the answers

I'm pretty sure you could relate to it right now. It was a beautiful ride for me and I regretted none of my experiences and decisions because they made me the person I am today. It kinda feels like it's almost the end of the day, where you start to close the shop after a busy day at work. What's left is satisfactions of customers. Of course, with my issue still in the way, it just feels like a pail still accumulating water from a leaking roof. Some days the sun shines and the water dries up a little. But on rainy days, the water from the rain comes in abundance,overflowing the pail like never before. That's how I feel. And I know I will get through it, because I believe that the sun will shine again, after the rain and I will hold on. It may all be over in reality, but it's never over to me. I still keep them dearly in my heart and I'm still looking forward to those days that these could replay again,the happiness living again. I'm hopeful. And even if I'm tired, I still believe that reality will be genuine, one day.