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HAPPY NEW YEARR!!

It's finally another year after so long and well,I'm spending this new year alone again.I mean it's not like this is the first time.

How many times can someone get disappointed man?2015 was great.It wasn't as bad as I thought but I'm going to make 2016 better.You can't just keep wishing and saying 2016 please be great, you have to decide for yourself what kind of year you want to have.

Things really don't last forever.I guess I'll just have to learn how to put on an act and pretend I'm okay but shut everyone else out emotionally.


It's finally time to start over again.I don't look forward to the new year as something fun but instead a chance to turn over a new leaf, to repent upon the mistakes I have made in the previous year.I'm definitely going to work harder and this will not just be words coming out of my mouth.

I'm also going to have to learn how to stop trusting people so much and let them in.I mean it's creepy how even your own parents don't trust you,which is how I ended up sitting in a restaurant alone,spending my new year with my old phone HAHA

I'm tired,tired of having feelings.This year,i want to be bold and feel the free fall and no one's stopping me.

spark of hope

It was suffocating.

Craving was like trapped in a box with no air,chasing my tail all the time.

Just when I got tired and promised myself I would live a better life,there came a spark of hope that made it all better,which left me wondering if I would die if that spark of hope went away.Would that spark of hope be the one to cut off my oxygen tank in the sea and leave me breathless?

Somehow,that spark of hope was always my reason to live,gave meaning to my life. But I know that spark of hope won't keep on shining,for what's good will not last forever.

It's really ironic, I don't really know if I don't crave that spark of hope enough or is it just that I crave that spark of hope so much so that I can't live so I force myself to find another hope to live.

I will just have to wait and see how badly I will die without it.

dear santa

It's Christmas again and I'm feeling all nostalgic again and the year is going to end soon.Late nights make me want to cry while sad music plays on the radio.The cool air fills my room with the smell of Christmas as I drift off to sleep.

I suddenly recall everything that has happened this year and last.Lonely bus rides to school and back. Trudging to school with dreaded feelings.Feeling left out and incomplete every single day.Ah,how tired I am feeling that way.School really gives me anxiety all the time.Not being a good friend,a good role model,a good leader,not finishing homework,not done revising for tests and exams,not getting what's happening,not getting enough sleep.

I open my eyes,it's 2am and I realise I've been dreaming about the past.Looking out of the window and up at the sky,I really miss everything.I don't really know what I actually want for Christmas.To be honest, I don't need much.All I really want is to be who I am.

I'm really tired of acting that I'm fine when I'm not.I want to be the real me.I want to feel happy without really forcing it.I want the people I love to stay by my side.I want to stop worrying about everything and live life as a care free person.

Honestly that's all I really want.I really hate how school just dampens every single hope I have.Every single motivation turns into something that makes me want to kill myself because I'm not good enough.

This christmas,next year,I want to live life and enjoy the free fall.

best things in life are free

This holiday is by far, hands down,the best holiday in the fourteen years that I've been living on earth.

I really enjoyed every single event that I went to,which kept me occupied every single day this holiday.

Firstly,there was grad night preparation and I swear I will never regret spending my whole of  November going back to school just to help out.Anyway, I got to know more seniors and get closer to my batch mates.We also played frisbee and hanged out alot.

Then,the Taiwan trip with band was awesome as well.Although I was not really close with the people who went, I got to know seniors better as well and I experienced so many new things and went to so much shopping and shared many laughs with everyone there.

After that was grad day and grad night and I could never say how thankful I am to meet Jane and Wai Yong through all this.They were 80% of my source of happiness this holiday and hanging out with them was just insanely insane.I wouldn't say we're officially a clique because no cliques but I would say they have officially became the top of my favourite list in council because they just bring so much joy to my life.Although, we had arguments here and there, I still don't think I can live without them and can't imagine what I would do if they were not there!

Then came band camp, it was a great time to brush up all my skills and I think I've improved.Now I'm really excited for the limelight concert next year and I hope that it will be successful.

Council camp was next and guess what?I was in the same group as Jane! I would say Terra is a really really really strong and good group although we weren't the best but I got to know Ryan, Dong Kiat, Jaelynn, Xue Qiong, Tenia, Xin Ying and Suan Hwee so I guess it was fruitful. I will never forget how we partied so hard and went crazy as hell on gala night. Zi high all the way!!

There was nothing much for careforce camp but then came class chalet and it turned out really well with all the truth or dares and blackjacks in the room, it was really interesting. Night cycling was the highlight too as we cycled from the chalet to east coast park and back. I was probably a really shitty organiser but I'm glad most of them enjoyed it.

Up came the para games and to know more about it, I wrote a blog about it not long ago so you can go visit it but yeah, I also spent the para games with Jane and Wai Yong and they made me laugh like crazy of course. Not missing having the sec ones and Boon Rong and Wei Lin along too!

Of course, I just came back from council chalet and I would say it was better than class chalet and I'm still going crazy at how all of them can still make me smile randomly when I thought of them.The highlight of the chalet was the night cycling,of course(again) but this time,we cycled even more,from the chalet to east coast park to marina bay and back and we did not sleep the whole night.We even stopped by the prata shop along the way. I must say the sec 3 seniors were really nice people and I can't imagine not having them along with us.Sec 2s were my favs because they were just soooooo adorable and I really miss them right now.

I really can't explain how blessed I am to have all these people in my life right now and I really don't want to lose them!

I have more activities going on before school starts but I can't wait so I already started writing this and I want to post it but I will update this blog.

home

After a long walk in the jungle, I finally saw a light,a light that leads me back to where I initially started off from.Oh, how wonderful did home felt, that warm fuzzy feelings that I used to have.

I guess nothing really changed much after I left,everything is pretty much the same, same old house, same old furnitures, although the house may have been repainted.Birds still chriped,even though they were singing another tune.Rabbits still hopped about,even though they had a additional family member.

I wish I could tell everyone back home about my 2 years journey into the woods.I wanted to tell them how much I missed them and I really can't wait to share all of my adventures with them,how much I have learnt and I promise this time,I'm never going to leave them again.

Perhaps it was my fault for walking out of the house 2 years ago,believing that I could do so much better without them but I guess I was wrong.

I finally found meaning in life after I came back home.I knew what I wanted,I had a purpose and a dream now and I never want to let go of it.

Today,I finally realised what change really means.

The sky turning grey doesn't mean that the world is going to end.People growing old doesn't mean that they are going to die soon.

Everything changes and change is inevitable.Yes,I used to think change means giving up the past and starting anew.But no, change is keeping the past close to your heart and remembering it throughout your journey to start anew and I guess I was mistaken and clueless but now I know.People don't forget about the past, they just move forward.

1 thing that I will really take away from this would be that just to treasure whatever time there is left for me. Hopefully, I am able to start anew on this journey with my new found purpose and learn from the past and create better memories.

disability is not inability

As the ASEAN para games kicked off on 3 December,I volunteered as a motivator to cheer for our athletes.Never did I expect something that was decided in a moment of rash just because of the initial intention to earn my via hours turned out to be something that will warm and break my heart at the same time.

This will be an experience I will never forget. At first,I really felt awkward and weird doing cheers I've never heard before and working with people from other schools that I have never known.Then came the cerebal palsy football match that caught my attention of the true meaning behind the para games.As I looked around the whole stadium,not a single soul could be seen other than the group of us,motivators.As told by the facils,we were there to cheer for them because if we were not there,no one else would be there for them.

BAM,I found meaning in life. Looking at how the athletes tried so damn hard to win something for their country,it really made me want to cry.I used to think that able-bodied athletes were a pro but now,the truly pro one are those who fight so hard for what they love,their country.There were those who lost their limbs or hands or are disabled and they really earned my respect.

Although Singapore may not have clinched any of the top 3 positions but I thought that their performance was remarkable.I shouted and screamed for each and every goal they scored and I don't really care if everyone is staring at me and judging me and how my friends,juniors and seniors asked me to shut up because I really believe that this is the best I can do.If our support is what they need,I can give it all to them.Who cares about my pride.Anyway,that's what motivators are for.I went to the extreme because I felt that it was necessary.

I never regretted my decision to volunteer as a motivator.I don't really care about the via hours now.All I really want is for the athletes to feel important and never give up.I hope me losing my voice now is worth it.Thanks everyone for giving me such a valuable lesson and experience and other brings me back to what Damon said"Disability is NOT an inability."That is what I want to do my whole life,to help others and promote positivity all around.:)