You know what's my favourite number? 3.You know why? I always believed that it's okay to make a mistake more than once, meaning that you're allowed to make a mistake twice. But when it comes to the third time, you're supposed to get it right because when it comes to third time, you're supposedly wiser and stronger than before.
Well, this isn't always the case. Like right now, it just proved me wrong. I thought that this time, I would get it right,what I didn't know was how wrong this is, how I've came so far realising that this path was a dead end all along.
I just had to say this or I don't think I'll be able to get it off my chest.
Friendships are delicate. I believe you should know that. Not just friendships, even relationships and what not.Words are insignificant.Your actions says it all.One wrong move and everything just falls apart. It's a ripple effect.I mean your actions right now are just making me doubt this friendship and what this friendship really means to you because you are just not being clear about boundaries and stuffs like that and I don't like this. You're just making me hate this friendship.
Really, if someone else is more important than me, then please please please do not treat me better than that other person. Please don't raise my hopes up. Please treat that other person better, care about that other person, talk to that other person, love that other person. It's really selfish of you to give your attention to people who probably don't mean as much to you.
I know that you're just a good-natured person and you genuinely care for others but all these are really too much for me. The more you care, the more it makes you seem like you're just pitying me, which I don't need. Seriously, I know how to take care of myself.
I may be unstable at times and really needy of help but eventually,I know how to get up on my own two feet. Really, just save your time and energy for others. I don't appreciate people's sympathy.
You know, I have a thing about people who treat me nice. People who treat me nice are either lonely, bored or horny. People just talk to me because they need company.It is so rare that someone who treats me nice have good intentions. Therefore,I don't like this idea of getting too close to someone who actually has 0 intention in improving this friendship. I'm sick and tired of getting used time and time and again. I am not a door mat.
I feel like I need to get this clear across once again. Women are not your toys. Please don't play with their feelings. It's childish and stupid. Don't feel guilty, don't feel bad. Just leave, it's okay, I'd rather have someone who puts in thieir 100% for me than to have someone like you who puts only one foot in. You're insincere and you'll only hurt me more this way. I'd rather have no one to help me than to have someone who helps me because they either pity/feel guilty for me. I'm sorry I thought that you are way better than this.
It's like wanting to buy that shoe on the display at the shoe rack. You saved up for it for years but all of a sudden, one day the shoe is no longer there because it was sold to someone who offered more money for the shoe. I guess you are the shoe that I wanted so badly and I guess I just wasn't enough for you so I lost you just like that, literally in the blink of an eye. It's hard to fight when the fight isn't fair. I give up.
Don't waste your time on me please.
Plus, I don't know what you're thinking but honestly this is not the way to treat someone you like. If you really like someone, you need to put in the effort for them. Don't give your 50%,give it your all. It's unfair for them as well. You need to commit yourself wholeheartedly.
So please, I hate being a second choice. Take me or leave me. I'm not a second option, even as a friend. Don't just talk to me because you're bored I don't need that. I can stand people being better than me but I absolutely can't stand people putting me as a plan B. For crying out loud, I'm not a one-night stand how many times do you want to see me get bruised?
I've only so much strength left. I'm aware that I probably don't matter as much to you. I really will respect what you wish but please also respect my wishes so therefore, please either
1. show me that you really mean what your actions say
2. or get out of my life asap and quit messing with me
There's only so much tolerance I can take. I'm not your goddamn toy. Thanks
Sunday, 18 June 2017
Friday, 16 June 2017
close to something yet almost nothing
Well hello there. So today I just felt like writing things down so yeah. So as you can tell from the title of this post, it's really about being so close yet so far. To be honest, I'm really apprehensive of writing this right now because I don't really know who's reading this actually and although writing here makes me feel better and feel free because of the anonymity of my readers and I won't feel so insecure and judged sharing my problems and stuff,but then again, bad thing is that not knowing who reads it makes me feel like omitting some details so no one knows who I'm writing about.
Well, today, I was thinking about this.
At 12, I didn't know what love was. All I experienced was the joy of loving, which isn't exactly realistic as I grew up. It was just full of empty promises and showers of gifts and warmth.
At 14, I still had no idea what's it really mean to love. All I experienced was the pain of loving. Late nights of negative thoughts and tensions and sadness and grief.
At 16, it's kind of a combination of both. Happiness and pain all at once. How is that possible right?
Yeah,of course it's not possible.
So I was starting to think about parallel lines again. Always close but they never meet. This concept blows my mind up so much because of how uncannily true it is.
Sometimes, I really wonder if there's actually a point healing or not because every time I was healing,I get broken harder than ever again.
Is there really a point healing then? I'm so tired of trying to convince myself that it's okay, that I just have to be patient and some day things will work out,I'm tired really because time after time, it just proves me wrong,that none of my self-comforting will ever work out. Just when I thought I was gonna be able to heal, suddenly everything just comes crashing down again.
There's only so much heartbreak my heart can take you know,how many times can a heart break? I really don't know anymore where all the places people talk about being happy and feeling loved because it just seemed like I'm always being pulled in the other direction of that place and now it seems further than ever.
After the one at 12, I thought I would heal at 14, and then at 16,I broke,again. I just hate myself for feeling everything so deeply,too deeply. It's like this world is unfair, because no one really feels as deeply as I do, and none of my feelings are being reciprocated.It's just me and myself,again.
Someone help me please.
This monster never leaves me you know? That stinging feeling in your heart,it's like you can't breathe anymore and it leaves you tired and broken. Last night, I felt exactly that way. It's like a panic attack all over again and I was desperately trying to find someone to talk to but not being able to find anyone at all.
It's like never being good enough you know, everyone's just better than you. And to be honest I don't really need your sympathy,if you're just caring because you pity me then don't. I really don't appreciate it because all along it felt as if you were just pitying me sorry I'm way better than that.
Oh sorry, it's my fault, for thinking that you're different but no you're just the same as any screwed up guy out there in school. Same as him, same as anyone else oh gosh I really don't get how I used to see you so differently.
I really don't get why am I so oblivious and keep letting people walk over me like that. It's as if my whole life is just made up of one night stands.Different people,different stories,just the same intention,to use me and get over it. The one thing is in one night stands, you're not allowed to have feelings.I seemed to have clearly broke the rules.
But what I can't get over is not the pain of not working out.
It's the pain of being so close to working out.
These additional 3 words just hold so much meaning to it. Almost. The almost kills so much. It's like putting so much effort practicing for a marathon and then someone just takes over you at the very last lap. You immediately lost all hope. I'm that athlete that has been lied to time and time and again. That I was good enough,that I should be resilient but when the truth is right before you very eyes,will you still believe what they say?
It's always such an irony. The one who picks you up are often the one who push you down afterwards. Oh, how cruelly true that is. For the span of these few months, I was so damn close to healing.And then I broke again last night by the same thing that healed me.Now I'm back to my usual self,devoid of every single hope.
I'm tired.Very tired.
Well, today, I was thinking about this.
At 12, I didn't know what love was. All I experienced was the joy of loving, which isn't exactly realistic as I grew up. It was just full of empty promises and showers of gifts and warmth.
At 14, I still had no idea what's it really mean to love. All I experienced was the pain of loving. Late nights of negative thoughts and tensions and sadness and grief.
At 16, it's kind of a combination of both. Happiness and pain all at once. How is that possible right?
So I was starting to think about parallel lines again. Always close but they never meet. This concept blows my mind up so much because of how uncannily true it is.
Sometimes, I really wonder if there's actually a point healing or not because every time I was healing,I get broken harder than ever again.
There's only so much heartbreak my heart can take you know,how many times can a heart break? I really don't know anymore where all the places people talk about being happy and feeling loved because it just seemed like I'm always being pulled in the other direction of that place and now it seems further than ever.
After the one at 12, I thought I would heal at 14, and then at 16,I broke,again. I just hate myself for feeling everything so deeply,too deeply. It's like this world is unfair, because no one really feels as deeply as I do, and none of my feelings are being reciprocated.It's just me and myself,again.
Someone help me please.
This monster never leaves me you know? That stinging feeling in your heart,it's like you can't breathe anymore and it leaves you tired and broken. Last night, I felt exactly that way. It's like a panic attack all over again and I was desperately trying to find someone to talk to but not being able to find anyone at all.
It's like never being good enough you know, everyone's just better than you. And to be honest I don't really need your sympathy,if you're just caring because you pity me then don't. I really don't appreciate it because all along it felt as if you were just pitying me sorry I'm way better than that.
Oh sorry, it's my fault, for thinking that you're different but no you're just the same as any screwed up guy out there in school. Same as him, same as anyone else oh gosh I really don't get how I used to see you so differently.
I really don't get why am I so oblivious and keep letting people walk over me like that. It's as if my whole life is just made up of one night stands.Different people,different stories,just the same intention,to use me and get over it. The one thing is in one night stands, you're not allowed to have feelings.I seemed to have clearly broke the rules.
But what I can't get over is not the pain of not working out.
It's the pain of being so close to working out.
These additional 3 words just hold so much meaning to it. Almost. The almost kills so much. It's like putting so much effort practicing for a marathon and then someone just takes over you at the very last lap. You immediately lost all hope. I'm that athlete that has been lied to time and time and again. That I was good enough,that I should be resilient but when the truth is right before you very eyes,will you still believe what they say?
It's always such an irony. The one who picks you up are often the one who push you down afterwards. Oh, how cruelly true that is. For the span of these few months, I was so damn close to healing.And then I broke again last night by the same thing that healed me.Now I'm back to my usual self,devoid of every single hope.
I'm tired.Very tired.
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