never

I hate it how everything seems to be fine initially and then it falls apart later.


  I thought there were people I could rely on and tell my problems to.I thought they understood the real me and cared for me.Never did any of these was real.

  These days came and went.I feel like everything is a blur,with so many things that has happened.

  Call it hopeful,call it stupid,there were so many things that I had anticipated but never did any of them turned out the way I expected it to be.

  I'm losing hope,I'm giving up.So in the end,it was just a dream.People I met and saw everyday were just ghosts.I loved them,I loved my new friends but why do I feel that the feelings are not genuine.Do they know how I feel?Or they just think that they are doing this for the sake of doing it?

  Never was anything real anyway. Ugh, why do I always feel things so deeply?To think that I was important for once, what a joke.They will never feel what I felt,the true attachment.No they will never.

  No one will anyway.They think I'm kidding but never have I ever regretted my decision to sacrifice myself for the ones I love.

  I wonder if I even matter.People just like to toy with my feelings because I'm soft hearted.They like to make me feel important but left me when they're bored or when they find better company.

  Never did anyone even stay....

me,myself and I

So lately,I've been thinking,thinking about how I am such a failure.Nah, just kidding, deep inside I know I'm not a failure but these days people keep making me feel like one.And then I thought, is it their life, or is it mine?

This journey is mine and is solely mine.I don't need anyone to tell me that I'm wrong, or not good enough. I don't need them to listen to those who bring me down because deep in my heart,I know what I'm doing.

I really don't care if I'm not the best. I don't care that I'm not the best in my studies and that my parents say that I don't work hard enough because I know that I tried my best.I really don't care if I'm not the best in sports or art because I know that for someone who doesn't take up sports not art classes,I'm already doing fine.

I really don't care if I'm not popular.In fact to begin with,I don't even want to be popular.I don't want to be the hot topic of everyone's conversation.I really don't care if I don't get 200+ likes on instagram or get praised by everyone.I really don't care if no one knows me.

I really don't care if I'm not the best leader.I don't care if people tell me that I'm not good enough to be a leader because I don't contribute much and I cannot lead because deep down,I know that I have sacrificed so much for everyone and that I have inspired many to  do more and that's sufficient.

I really don't care if  I'm not rich. I really don't care what others have that I don't. I really don't care if I don't have an iphone or an ipad or a tab.I don't care if my parents don't have a car to drive me around.I don't care that I can't take the best airline when I travel or buy any books that I like when I see them on the book shelf because deep down I'm already grateful for all that my parents have done for me,raising me to the best of their ability and giving me all the aid that I need.

I really don't care if I don't have the ideal body.I don't care if I'm not skinny or have body goals because I know that I have a healthy BMI. I don't even want to be skinny because I don't know why people are corrupted with the idea that skinny is the new pretty because deep down I know that I exercise regularly and it keeps me healthy.It really doesn't matter to me how you look like,for me,I believe that everyone is beautiful in their own way.

I really don't care if I don't have everything.I'm not afraid of people judging me,I'm not afraid of making mistakes,I'm not afraid of being not good enough.I don't even care of what people think of me or say about me.I'm sick and tired of having people to tell me what I'm doing is wrong.I, am taking on this journey on my own,solely on my own. From today onwards, I'm not going to listen to what they have to say because I'm flawed.I was borned 0%,not 100% and I aim to be 99%, but never 100% because no one is perfect.

it scares me

It scares me how everything changes so madly.

It scares me how happy I am right now.

It scares me how this could change any time.

So recently,I've been having weird dreams again.My dreams are scaring me. This is the period of time when major changes happen and this happens to be the time when I get close to many people.I hang out with them every day but somehow the moment I reach home,I feel that sadness inside of me.

I guess it really makes me panic inside and be anxious about how I don't want to lose these people I have right now.Experiences have told me many times that when I get close to someone and I enjoy their company,they will soon drift away from me and our relationship will turn sour.

Okay yes,I may have found my purpose of life but that could change any time for me.That's why I really hate getting too close to someone.When you're too close,you get bored of them and you see their true colours and flaws.It's not that I will do that,it's others who find me told boring. I'm scared of that.Everyone says that they will stay but after they find better company,it will all change. 

I'm just wondering if things will still be the same when school reopens.

It scares me how I am so afraid of myself.