number three

You know what's my favourite number? 3.You know why? I always believed that it's okay to make a mistake more than once, meaning that you're allowed to make a mistake twice. But when it comes to the third time, you're supposed to get it right because when it comes to third time, you're supposedly wiser and stronger than before.

Well, this isn't always the case. Like right now, it just proved me wrong. I thought that this time, I would get it right,what I didn't know was how wrong this is, how I've came so far realising that this path was a dead end all along.

I just had to say this or I don't think I'll be able to get it off my chest.

Friendships are delicate. I believe you should know that. Not just friendships, even relationships and what not.Words are insignificant.Your actions says it all.One wrong move and everything just falls apart. It's a ripple effect.I mean your actions right now are just making me doubt this friendship and what this friendship really means to you because you are just not being clear about boundaries and stuffs like that and I don't like this. You're just making me hate this friendship.

Really, if someone else is more important than me, then please please please do not treat me better than that other person. Please don't raise my hopes up. Please treat that other person better, care about that other person, talk to that other person, love that other person. It's really selfish of you to give your attention to people who probably don't mean as much to you.

I know that you're just a good-natured person and you genuinely care for others but all these are really too much for me. The more you care, the more it makes you seem like you're just pitying me, which I don't need. Seriously, I know how to take care of myself.
I may be unstable at times and really needy of help but eventually,I know how to get up on my own two feet. Really, just save your time and energy for others. I don't appreciate people's sympathy.

You know, I have a thing about people who treat me nice. People who treat me nice are either lonely, bored or horny. People just talk to me because they need company.It is so rare that someone who treats me nice have good intentions. Therefore,I don't like this idea of getting too close to someone who actually has 0 intention in improving this friendship. I'm sick and tired of getting used time and time and again. I am not a door mat. 

I feel like I need to get this clear across once again. Women are not your toys. Please don't play with their feelings. It's childish and stupid.  Don't feel guilty, don't feel bad. Just leave, it's okay, I'd rather have someone who puts in thieir 100% for me than to have someone like you who puts only one foot in. You're insincere and you'll only hurt me more this way. I'd rather have no one to help me than to have someone who helps me because they either pity/feel guilty for me. I'm sorry I thought that you are way better than this.

It's like wanting to buy that shoe on the display at the shoe rack. You saved up for it for years but all of a sudden, one day the shoe is no longer there because it was sold to someone who offered more money for the shoe. I guess you are the shoe that I wanted so badly and I guess I just wasn't enough for you so I lost you just like that, literally in the blink of an eye. It's hard to fight when the fight isn't fair. I give up.

Don't waste your time on me please.

Plus, I don't know what you're thinking but honestly this is not the way to treat someone you like. If you really like someone, you need to put in the effort for them. Don't give your 50%,give it your all. It's unfair for them as well. You need to commit yourself wholeheartedly.

So please, I hate being a second choice. Take me or leave me. I'm not a second option, even as a friend. Don't just talk to me because you're bored I don't need that. I can stand people being better than me but I absolutely can't stand people putting me as a plan B. For crying out loud, I'm not a one-night stand how many times do you want to see me get bruised?

I've only so much strength left. I'm aware that I probably don't matter as much to you. I really will respect what you wish but please also respect my wishes so therefore, please either

1. show me that you really mean what your actions say
2. or get out of my life asap and quit messing with me

There's only so much tolerance I can take. I'm not your goddamn toy. Thanks