the truth about you

Somehow, I wish that you'd be reading this so you'd know but somehow,I wish you wouldn't too so it won't become bad between us but it already is and I have nothing to lose even if you find out one day.

But this is what has been on my mind lately, all the truth that I've been holding back.

Truth is, 8 months on and none of my feelings have changed.

I'm trying my best to not break when I hear your voice because you've done more than hurt me.

I would say, this year, I saw you at your ugliest but I still stayed and I still cared. I set myself on fire to keep you warm. 

We're not something, but we're not nothing either.

What we had between us was, this grey area that isn't really worth defining but I'm a end-of-the-spectrum kind of person.I'm never the person for ambiguity.That day,you said you have no idea why people thought that we were together.Honestly, I wanted to just spill it to you but I guess you'd never admit it or understand it to begin with. It's more than the way we speak, in case you didn't realise.

There is a reason why people think that we're together. Someone told me before, the way you treat me, wasn't the way you treated anyone else. So, I was just broken when I realised that I don't actually mean as much as you mean to me. For the second time in my life, my heart shattered into pieces, again. 

I guess all along you were on a different page as me so you would never see it the way I see it.

I can't believe how much I cared about you, running round to defend your name when people insulted you. I can't believe how I even abandoned my priorities because of you. But I have no one else to blame but myself, for going all out for you.

To be honest, you indirectly saved my life and I can't deny that.
You taught me many things I never knew and most importantly, you made me believe in humanity again.
You indeed made me see that not everyone is bad and not everyone leaves.You were this bridge that I needed to seek refuge.

But when I left, it seems like the rain hit me harder than before. The truth about you is ugly, something you never would want to hear about.

Right now, I'm trying so hard to not need you in whatever that I do. It's so hard to learn how to be independent when all you ever did was to make me need you. Now I'm spending all my nights convincing myself that I'm a whole by myself.

While I see this friendship slowly shatter in front of me, I realise that there was no turning back to this. Some times, you make me wonder why am I not good enough. I chide myself.You make me wonder what am I so lacking for you because I don't see it.

 I was honestly so disappointed in you when I heard those words from your very mouth that day. It seemed like nothing between us had ever mattered to you anyways. All you wanted was her anyway. Sorry it was my fault that I thought that our friendship was above yours and hers. Because I really thought it was. Is she really worth the sacrifice of our friendship?When all I ever did was to fight for you. I'd choose you over most people any day and all I am to you was just a backup plan. Nicely done there.

I missed everything that we had before this. I missed how easy was to spill and talk about our lives and those were the simple joy and all I ever wanted was that. You just had to mess it all up, right?

Now I lost faith in humanity again, because of you and this time, I probably wouldn't get it back again. Again, I spend nights crying for you. I knew that you were afraid of making people cry so I didn't tell you then. But you've made me cry time after time. You gave me hope and then shatter it, as simple as that. You don't realise whatever you did was wrong and when you realised it you just abandoned everything on me, leaving me to deal with this mess alone.

I wasn't even expecting us to be more than friends, but I hoped that at least I meant something to you. Everyone told me that I did, but apparently to you, I didn't.

The truth about you is that, you knew how to fix people but you also know how to break them. This is the cruel irony of you and you're a piece of irony of your own.