my minds a mess//my hearts a wreck

Were there times whereby people give you hints?But you were never sure whether you should listen to them or not.Because you were afraid that if you took the hint,you realise that you were just over-thinking and it was just a misunderstand.But if didn't take it,you will never get to know the truth.

It's weird,how some people can seem to be really cold towards you.But out of the blue,they become so nice to you.Too nice till you doubt their kindness.They treat you completely different from others.Perhaps they have a motive for doing so?You then wonder if you should trust your instincts or not.Because that instinct could just ruin everything that you have right now,just like an earthquake.It is now a matter of if you are going to take a risk.Or be contented with what you have right now and pretend that you don't know anything.Because the more you try to investigate to get an answer,the higher the risk of you falling,falling so hard and fast that you forget everything that you have.You fall past the hazy clouds and you become confused because you can't see through those hazy clouds.

It's actually hard to see through the fog.It's hard to see who's standing at the other end.It's really hard.

Each day,new surprises are waiting for you.Every surprise changes your mood and feelings.And then you become unsure of what you really feel.Everything is a mess.

This is when your senses wake up.You start to wake up and you remember everything.You tell yourself that you have fall once and you are never falling down again.You are never making the same mistake again.It is that self-control that you possess.It prevents you from worsening your mistakes.So make good use of it.It is in you for a reason.Self-control are your wings.You open them and they help you soar up to the sky again.

So treasure what you have right now.Before you lose them tommorrow. By then,it would've been too late to regret it.

Every mistake you make is a stain.You may be able to wash away the stain.But the memories of the stain remains there for life.Sometimes that you can never wash away.

                                                                             _________________________________________________

                                            This relates to the next thing that I need to say.

When I was young,I never really live by this.I always had that mindset that things can just be cultivated within a few days or months.Maybe that's why I'm so impatient.Well I guess I was wrong.

When I was younger,I took piano lessons and quit before I was grade 1.When I was in primary one,I took wushu as my cca and I also quit.It was because I found them too tiring.I then regretted my actions later in life.Many of my friends were super good in music,sports and stuffs but I was good at none.I bet you can tell that I was really regretting how stupid I was.The only thing that I never quit was band.Though quitting had came across my mind for a few times but my parents managed to encourage me not to.I was frustrated but at least it was something that I never regretted.

Now,at the age of 12 plus,I've grown and changed alot.My mindset changes with my age.I never though or looked at things from the same prospective anymore.It was different.I realise that if you are gonna succeed,you just have to be thick-skinned.You gotta have that never-give-up attitude.You just have to accept the things you have done wrong and never make the same mistakes again.For those who succeed failed the most.

Yes,it may be hard.Yes,it may be difficult.You've screwed up.And it's hard to hold on to things.It's hard to stay awake through a whole lesson of history and probably that's the reason why you fear it.But if you could just close your eyes and take things as they come and not worry so much,things might actually be better.

For instance,when I look at my busy schedule and all the classes I have to attend and the routine that I need to do,I will get stressed up and wonder how am I going to get though the whole week.But then again,if I just close my eyes,one week after another,passed by like nothing.Anyway,the hols are round the corner so just hold on for a little while.Your hands might hurt but at the end of the day,you feel glad that you didn't fall because you held on.

So the next time you look at your calendar,tell yourself not to worry so much about what's coming up.Maybe you have an exam two days later.Put your mind at ease but start revising but don't worry too much.It won't get you anywhere.

Hold on my dear,everything will be alright.(:

I'll leave you with this quote.

Enjoy the little things in life.Because when you look back at them,you will realise that they were big things.

too much thougths?

After my post last sunday,I had much more thoughts going through my mind throughout the week.

But today seems like a special day to me (:

Today is a perfect day to listen to these song:Monsters-Timeflies feat. Katie Sky

                                                                    Little Talks-Of Monsters And Men

                                                                Already Home-A great big world

 So I made this edit based on eyes open by Taylor Swift.

                                        Because I was so innocent and naiive then to think that everything is a fairytale.
                                        But life ain't that simple.

Kay.So these are the thoughts I've gathered this week.See if their relatable.

                                                                   -less care,less worry-
Let nature take its course.If it's meant to be,it's meant to be.It's called fate.You don't have to go take that extra mile to make people want you.You are respected and loved for who you are,not some other person you want to be.That's why everyone needs somebody to love and appreciate and admire their beauty.Why be someone else that your loved ones don't even know?Imagine you come home one day and look like someone else.I bet your loved ones won't even recognise who the hell you are.You should never compare youself with others.No matter what others have,just be contented and remember that you have other things that they don't.Stop trying to force yourself to be someone you're not.Do what you love and love what you do.Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses,perfections and flaws.If you have a problem with controlling yourself to compare with others,then stop looking at them because we're all special in our own way.That's partly the reason why I shut out from all my friends.Sometimes,I envy things they have that I don't.So one day I decided I should stop this and that's exaclty what I did.Now,I've deleted contacts of my primary school friends,except some.And some of my secondary school friends.I've only a few contacts left.Once your contact is out of my phone,it means that I literally don't know you anymore or I don't wanna know you.

                                                                          -Belittle-
Never belittle others.For what their abilities are may overpower yours.They may have flaws but so do you.You may have powers but so do they.Those who succeed are those who have failed.So never give up.And don't be lenient,never be complacent.

                                                                       -Expectations-
Quoted from Naomi:Don't ever expect too much from others as that 'too much' will end up hurting you instead.

                                                                      -Broken promises.-
It's just those promises that people make but never fufil them.These are the empty promises.People make empty promises all the time but they don't know how much it hurts when it's not fufilled. That's why I've learnt never to expect too much.It's because I expect too much and assume that these promises will be fufiled but they never do.I end up getting hurt.Never trust anyone.That's why I'm building up walls around me that no one can break.But I tell myself:I'm just gonna trust.If I get hurt,then too bad for me.Serve me right.So unless you wanna take the risk then don't ever try.

                                                       my mind's a mess,my heart's a wreck.
                                                                     my head is running wild again...
                                                                                   conceal,don't feel,don't let them know.
                                                                                                keeping to myself...

                                           

the woman

So yesterday I went out with my family to celebrate mothers' day.Plus it's the only day off my dad gets so yeah.

I was busy studying for my tests last week but thank god it's not mye cos I don't have it.I studies till like 3am or 4am and now I'm just exhausted and dead tired.But still,I think I flunked like all subjects.:O Ooops...looks like I gotta work harder.

As the day starts...

 Cos I was begging my mum to bring me to the movies since a long time ago but time just didn't gave me a chance so I didn't go.But yesterday,finally.I went to watch the amazing spider man 2.I know I'm like one week behind time but oh come on I have tests.

We had dinner at Dontaku. The reason I like this place is because of the bamboo decorations.It hides your table from others in a corner so you get more privacy this way.And plus the food is delicious.

Ever since young,I never really cared so much about mothers' day nor know about how much my mum mean to me.But as I age,I slowly see what this world really is to me.I guess every mum is almost the same.So be thankful for what she has done cos without her you wouldn't even exist.

A little bit info. about my mum.She doesn't know chinese even though she's a chinese. But her maths superb while mine sucks like shit cos last time she was an accountant.Though she can't teach me chinese,nor my dad can cos he sucks in chinese,she brings me to the library when I was a young child like frequently and 'feed' me to chinese books.Even if she can't read,she will just anyhow try her best and blurt out nonsense.She brought me to tuition and those were the only ways I could learn chinese. Thanks to the awesome chinese teacher I had then.I still can remember her haha XD,like at least my chinese not bad. I've been learning chinese on my own since young and I got into higher chinese,tho I don't even know how.My mum used to tell me that no one teaches my languages and that I just automatically know how to speak. Woah.So I'm thankful.If it wasn't for her,I wouldn't even know how to speak chinese now.

And then recently,I was trying to finish my compo correction and it was so late at night and I was so tired after band and I had a test to study for and I kept felling asleep.Then my mum was like trying her best to keep me awake even though she wanted to sleep herself.Nonetheless,she accompanied me till I finished my work and even made oatmeal for me despite it being 3am in the morning.Though I didn't manage to study for my test because I was so tired,at least I managed to complete my homework.It's just that small little gesture that was heartwarming to me.Like what other mother would ever do that.(maybe a few other:P)

Plus my mum always helps me with my homework and projects even if it is hard.She doesn't work and I'm glad.Unlike most other mothers,she's at home 99.9% of the time and she does all the household chores and all the other shits.When I come home form school,she's always there.Most of my other friends' mother are not the same.It just gives me a sense of security that she is always there and I don't have to be alone.She listens to my bullshit,complaints,crying,nagging,scolding but never scolds me.She encourages me all the time though sometimes she doesn't. I can just say anything I wanna say,even vulgarities and she doesn't even care.She taught my so many things throughout these 13 years.

I love her.

And before I forget,HAPPY MOTHERS' DAY TO ALL GREAT MUMS!!

The little black book.

I must say.This book is like damn important to me.It's where I store all my little thoughts.It's like my diary but it's not really because they're just thoughts.

 -Lost-

For the past few months,I guess I just lost my sense of music.It's like when you put on those earphones and you hit play on your music then start skipping all the songs.Songs just became ten times scarier than usual and I didn't had the mood to listen to them anymore.I didn't know what had happened to me.Until I recalled and realised.

There was once when I was listening to 'Already Gone' by Kelly Clarkson.Then for some reasons I started crying.On the train to somewhere.The end.Perhaps that was the reason why I didn't dared to listen to music anymore.But ever since I listened to the radio and try to feel better,I gained back my sense of music.It's weird though.

And I gathered some pretty interesting thoughts this week.

-Action speaks louder than words-

There are times when you need to care less.The more you care,the more unnecessary worries you will have and that will lead to affecting your mood.If someone really loves or care for you,they will show it.For the simple reason of action speaking louder than words.I read the magazine and found something they said really true.If someone really likes you,they will tell you and they will show it to you so you do not need to worry too much about it.

You just have to be contented and know that you're being loved.Be it family or friends,it's still the same.There are so many people in the world.You cannot expect every single one of them to like and respect you unless you're god.You just have to be satisfied that at least there's someone who needs you and cares about you.It doesn't really matter how many people are doing that.Although other people may have a better appearance,character and status,and many people like and respect them,you should never compare yourselves with them.

At least you know that the people who loves and care for you are genuine and are not fake.That it enough.I just realised that it is actually all I need in life.Just a simple thing of knowing that there's at least somebody out there who cares whether I'm alive or not.Imagine that you're dead and no one knows and gives a damn.You have to be contented with what you have.Treasure the people who care for you genuinely and treat them the same way or even better.I don't care if you love me or hate me or don't know me.The thing is I know that I'm being loved and there are actually people who love me.If you're going to be one of them,cool.If you're not,then scram because I 'm not going to spend and sacrifice my time and energy for you.

-unfairness-

The people who work the hardest gets the least benefit.

The people who work the least gets the most benefit.

Good people die.

Bad people live.

Work hard and you get shit.

Play hard and you get the universe.

My mum tells me this is the fate and luck of the person and it can't be controlled.But it is unfair,isn't it?Everyone deserves to be treated in the same way,right?

-stupidity-

Stupidity is when you sacrifice yourself and yet you are the one getting hurt at the end of the day.

Stupidity is waiting for something that will never come.

Stupidity is when you believe other's promise.

Forget it.

I'm not going to ask for anything anymore.

Be it in my family or be it on other matters,I feel like I'm the stupid one.

      

~Already Home-A Great Big World~

This is a new song that I find relatable and nice(which I've probably added into my list of favourite songs.)The music video is super cool though I didn't get to watch the whole clip.My favourite phrase of the song is 'If only New York wasn't so far away.I promise the city won't get in our way.'

I've even made it into an edit.I just started humming to this phrase ever since I started listening to this song.The story behind this song is quite tragic as it is about two people on a long-distance relationship.That's the saddest thing.

Also I've been hanging out with piano tiles since last week.Like desperately trying to beat my scores and at the same time trying not to get addicted.:P Everyone is talking about it.So why not give it a try?

These few weeks are going to be tough because all the tests are coming up.I need to study even harder and it gets even more boring each day with the same boring routine.Get up.Go school.Go Home.Homework.Stay up late.Sleep.Everyday is the same thing.I have to stay up late until 2am most of the days just to finish my works and do some revision.I miss those times when I can sleep like a pig and not giving a fuck about everything.I don't even get to go out that often now.Not that I want to but it gets boring when you're home everyday.Generally,academically,I've done okay.But then I need to improve more.Especially my chinese): My best friend now is basically my bed but sometimes I'm afraid of falling asleep.That's because I will start dreaming about so many people.Which I had these days.I dream of so many people,some of them being my primary school friends and some other people.Every time when I wake up,it feels so cold and scary and my heart will always feel like it has been shot.I have no idea why.

Feeling sleepy after typing this longgggg entry.So I guess this is bye.(:

Hello May

It's May.I can't believe how time flies so fast.But anyway next month is June so there's only 31 more days to hold on to before the June hols.

I saw this pic on twitter and I found it too relatable because it's true.For me.Because forever is an incorrect concept.Quoted by Hazel Grace from TFIOS. I'm building up the walls around me that no one can break.Yes,I am not okay but there's nothing I can do to change the fact.I need some time to slowly face the music and accept the fact before I can open myself up and become okay again.

I distance myself away from others because I don't want to get hurt,neither do I want to hurt them.The walls that I build will do good for me as well as others.Though it may irritate people that I refuse to join them but it's for the best for me.They keep asking me why I am doing this.I get that alot. But I believe this will help me.Before I am ready to face the world by my little self,I've got to have these walls and be prepared for a major war.

Tomorrow is the birthday of this very special best friend of mine.She's very special to me and I hope she enjoys herself.And the previous post was actually dedicated to her(unspoken words(the one)).