my 3am thoughts

Every night, I gaze at the the deep blue sky and see the sparkling stars.

Everything is a complete mess and blur these days and I'm just going through the motion. I hate this place. Where am I? What am I doing here?

Suddenly I'm lost. I lost my sense of direction. I have no idea what is going.

As the days drag on,  I gave in to my fears,anxieties,worries,troubles,problems,sadness,pain,tiredness, for I can't hold it in for another moment. It feels like I've been drown into this dark black hole where nothing feels right.

The night is still, I can't hear anything but sounds of moving cars and, my own thoughts.I tried to shut them out but they're just too loud.

The night, is beautiful, is calming, is my favorite retreat. Yet, I still can't sleep, still consuming the beauty of it all.

That night, where my dreams came true and I felt so free.

That night, where I cried myself to sleep.

That night, the first time I stayed awake.

That night, the first time I had insomnia, counting all the things I wish I could.

The night, is where I feel everything.

But now, none of this even matter anymore. My heart has been broken so many times it's beyond repair. Every time something good happens, it just turns out to be something bad. People I love, I treasure, are no longer beside me anymore.My self confidence is beyond saving.I feel so demoralized all the time. I'm tired of always tiring myself out for others until I have none left for myself.

And this is the point, when things become worse,just like how the night grows darker and it gets chillier. This is the point where you feel so cold but no one is there to give you warmth, make you feel protected. You're all alone, braving the wind and finding your way through the dark when you're already so tired from all the walking.

You lost hope.I lost passion. I lost the love I have for so many things. I feel like I just can't do it and I'm not suitable to do it. I feel like nothing is worth anymore.

I have lost so many things that it doesn't hurt to lose anymore. I'm so accustomed to living this life that I can't get enough of it.

All my hobbies, all the things I loved to do, I don't know where it's been to.

I get weird dreams and I wake up in the middle of the night, telling myself not to cry because it was only a dream.

I urge myself not to tense up every time I'm with strangers and look for faces in the crowd,hoping that I don't see someone I used to know.

I just don't know anymore. I have no goals anymore,no aspirations, no dreams. In the process of chasing for victory, I lost my friends, my families, my everything. I don't think I will ever get back up anymore. It all seems too hard. It's as hard as going back to sleep pretending nothing has happened after having a nightmare.

And this is always the reason why I'm awake at 3am, thinking of sad things,missing people and things I shouldn't be missing. This is the reason why I always fake my happiness in the morning when the night is done.