back to square one?

Okay hi, it's currently 2am right now and I guess I shouldn't write too much and probably go to sleep soon.

I've been wanting to say so many things that get caught up in my head.

Recently, it feels as if I'm being thrown into this circle of mess again. Feelings of confusion, pain and sadness. Honestly, despite knowing that there are people who care,despite knowing that I should be glad that things are over and are not as hard on me anymore, I still feel different. It's like nothing is the same anymore. I just can't get over the fact that people will look at me differently and treat me differently. It's not just them, but my friends as well. I don't want to say this to my friends, but I hate that now more people know that I'm trying to cope with depression and anxiety.

I feel like my own issues should be kept discreet and personal to myself.Or maybe I was the one who made it known(which I don't think I told many people) to them but nonetheless I just don't like people bringing up this matter in front of my face. It makes me feel vulnerable and weak. I wish that people could be more sensitive to my feelings and understand that such things aren't as simple as they think it is.

Many of my close friends,yes I understand their good intentions, but I can't help to beg to differ with their opinions but yet I don't know how to or want to tell them. I wished they'd respect my own decisions. I appreciate the effort and I understand but I don't think they'd understand enough to feel what I feel,really. And this causes tensions among all of us.

I wish I could tell them that this is very complicated. Trusting someone completely isn't easy for me,feeling left out isn't something I can control as well. With that said, don't even mention to stop blocking people out of my life. Yes, I know, I'm very guilty of doing it, but I also have my own reasons for doing so that I wish that it would be socially acceptable to tell people that you are not ready to talk to them. They say that depression is a very selfish illness and yes I agree. I wish that people wouldn't blame me for not talking to them or not wishing to be close to them because sometimes, it's really hard for me to learn to love again when I got my heart broken so many times. And it pains me even more to know that the people around me suffer when I suffer. Sometimes, I want to suffer alone. I can't even do that knowing that the people around me will get affected too.

Sorry that I'm difficult, but I just feel that it will be the best for everyone.

And because I don't have the freedom to do whatever I want without causing so many to worry about me and talk about me, I feel restrained and suffocated even more. Really, I can do this by myself, stop worrying so much for god's sake. The more you worry, the more uncomfortable and weak I will feel. If I ever need help, I know how to look for help by myself. So if I don't, please just stop assuming that I'm so in need of help that I can't even help myself. I really am trying to get back on my feet so stop making me feel even more demoralised.

So this is the mess I was talking about, everyone's impression of me. It's just one of my bad old habits that I can't kick. I'm a person who cares what others think of me so these things will just make me feel worse about myself and be extra cautious about my actions.

Maybe if only time could rewind, I could change some things. But I've already came so far what else can I do but to make the better out of tomorrow? I just need my close friends to read this and understand how I feel and just stop making me feel bad. I know they care and I know they're trying to help but I'm sorry to say that their help just makes things worse and that they shouldn't interfere with my problems unless I need help,really honestly and the reason why I don't want to tell them is because I don't want to hurt them and this is also part of the reason why I want to block people out of my life. I think I don't like to continue on with people when they make me feel bad about myself.

To be honest, I think the best way they could help me is just to be normal with me, don't treat me like I've been through sexual harassment, don't treat me like I have depression, don't treat me like I went though a broken relationship. Don't discuss about me behind my back. I really hate being different in your eyes and being talked about.Just treat me the way you would treat me before you knew the mess I am. Just have fun with me like we used to. All the small details in life,all the times we'd laugh and joke about little stuffs. I want that back, and not your worry and concern about me 24/7.I'd really appreciate that. :)