close to something yet almost nothing

Well hello there. So today I just felt like writing things down so yeah. So as you can tell from the title of this post, it's really about being so close yet so far. To be honest, I'm really apprehensive of writing this right now because I don't really know who's reading this actually and although writing here makes me feel better and feel free because of the anonymity of my readers and I won't feel so insecure and judged sharing my problems and stuff,but then again, bad thing is that not knowing who reads it makes me feel like omitting some details so no one knows who I'm writing about.

Well, today, I was thinking about this.

At 12, I didn't know what love was. All I experienced was the joy of loving, which isn't exactly realistic as I grew up. It was just full of empty promises and showers of gifts and warmth.

At 14, I still had no idea what's it really mean to love. All I experienced was the pain of loving. Late nights of negative thoughts and tensions and sadness and grief.

At 16, it's kind of a combination of both. Happiness and pain all at once. How is that possible right?

Yeah,of course it's not possible.

So I was starting to think about parallel lines again. Always close but they never meet. This concept blows my mind up so much because of how uncannily true it is.

Sometimes, I really wonder if there's actually a point healing or not because every time I was healing,I get broken harder than ever again.

Is there really a point healing then? I'm so tired of trying to convince myself that it's okay, that I just have to be patient and some day things will work out,I'm tired really because time after time, it just proves me wrong,that none of my self-comforting will ever work out. Just when I thought I was gonna be able to heal, suddenly everything just comes crashing down again.

There's only so much heartbreak my heart can take you know,how many times can a heart break? I really don't know anymore where all the places people talk about being happy and feeling loved because it just seemed like I'm always being pulled in the other direction of that place and now it seems further than ever.

After the one at 12, I thought I would heal at 14, and then at 16,I broke,again. I just hate myself for feeling everything so deeply,too deeply. It's like this world is unfair, because no one really feels as deeply as I do, and none of my feelings are being reciprocated.It's just me and myself,again.

Someone help me please.

This monster never leaves me you know? That stinging feeling in your heart,it's like you can't breathe anymore and it leaves you tired and broken. Last night, I felt exactly that way. It's like a panic attack all over again and I was desperately trying to find someone to talk to but not being able to find anyone at all.

It's like never being good enough you know, everyone's just better than you. And to be honest I don't really need your sympathy,if you're just caring because you pity me then don't. I really don't appreciate it because all along it felt as if you were just pitying me sorry I'm way better than that.

Oh sorry, it's my fault, for thinking that you're different but no you're just the same as any screwed up guy out there in school. Same as him, same as anyone else oh gosh I really don't get how I used to see you so differently.

I really don't get why am I so oblivious and keep letting people walk over me like that. It's as if my whole life is just made up of one night stands.Different people,different stories,just the same intention,to use me and get over it. The one thing is in one night stands, you're not allowed to have feelings.I seemed to have clearly broke the rules.

But what I can't get over is not the pain of not working out.

It's the pain of being so close to working out.

These additional 3 words just hold so much meaning to it. Almost. The almost kills so much. It's like putting so much effort practicing for a marathon and then someone just takes over you at the very last lap. You immediately lost all hope. I'm that athlete that has been lied to time and time and again. That I was good enough,that I should be resilient but when the truth is right before you very eyes,will you still believe what they say?

It's always such an irony. The one who picks you up are often the one who push you down afterwards. Oh, how cruelly true that is. For the span of these few months, I was so damn close to healing.And then I broke again last night by the same thing that healed me.Now I'm back to my usual self,devoid of every single hope.

I'm tired.Very tired.