indefinite

I feel that this blog just became my best friend whom I can tell everything to heh;)

I'm updating this because I feel really bad today and there's no one to talk to so I have a feeling I will break down and go crazy if I have to stuffs my feelings in my heart any longer.I really can't handle the pain any more.

Oh what was it like,to feel like this again.Life is really indefinite.It's like one moment,it's so sunny and bright,shining warmly at you,and the next,wind starts blowing menacingly at you while the rain gush down into your face and you realise that you have neither an umbrella nor a shelter nor anyone around you.That's exactly what happened to me.

I thought that life would be fine.But boy,I was wrong.Nothing lasts forever you know.The fine lasted for about four months?

And today,I felt the worst for this whole year,well,one of the worst.

It's not like losing your best friends and finding out who your true friends are is not bad enough.My whole life is like a battlefield and I'm the soldier getting attacked badly.What do you do when both sides of your life clash together?

There's this sinking feeling in my guts,an ache in my hearts and I feel like vomiting.I can't even sit nor stand without feeling goose bumps all over.

What do you do when every part of your life is falling?

I've lost my friends,my studies are killing me and I need to improve so much,I lost all my feelings--I can't get over a guy from 2 years ago,I think I fell for the wrong guy(again),I'm not sure if I unknowingly fell for a guy,which I don't want to because it liking people never fails to ruin my life,I have to worry and care about everyone and yet,no one is ever there for me,I can't make my parents happy,I make so many mistakes,I have so many things to do and yet I can't do.

What do you do when you have nothing at all,and every thing else seems to be pushing you down.

I must say,no matter how sad people are,no one ever feels my pain because they never have to feel things like me.

I'm really trapped this time.I don't want to lose myself but I can't take it anymore. I feel like crying so badly but nothing comes out. I'm already sucked to my bones.What else do I have to give?

I have anxiety and it always comes back to me.I can't even eat anymore.I treat people so nicely and ended up treated like trash.What do I have to do?

There are still lingering feelings left behind,and his smell from 2 years ago never stops haunting me.Every now and then,just like lightning,parts of us together flashed in my head.

And the back to reality,I have to face school.In order to make people happy,I have to suffer in silence.I get blamed for doing so.I quitted my clique to make everyone happy and let myself be free but yet I get hated.

In addition,I have to cope with my studies.

Also,I'm never sure I liked the right person because I am most probably wrong.

Not only that,the moment I go home and face my parents,I feel useless because I can't even produce the results that they expect me to get.They work so hard for me but yet I can do nothing.I feel so helpless.All I want to do is to make them happy and especially for my dad,to stop working and enjoy life.

I tried my best in everything I do and yet,I failed.

I feel like a failure.

Did I bring this upon myself?

I don't know anymore.

I don't know how long more I can handle this.

I've tried my very best to stay strong and positive but if things keep going against me every time I try,I don't think I will be able to smile anymore.

I'm dying.


xoxo,
stsl