first of all, i'm sorry. maybe i'm sorry isn't good enough to represent all the damage i have/will caused/cause but i still gotta explain things to you.
you, who is reading this right now, no matter who you are. after reading this, it's fine to tell me that you are not ready enough to have me in your life and you can leave me and we shall not talk again. but if you choose to continue having me in your life, i hope that me and you can work things out together no matter how hard they get.
it's been so long that i just only came out with a conclusion of why i'm so hard to understand. look, i don't know how to say this to you but i'm just different from everyone else. so perhaps this is why i can't think or act like you. i'm so sorry that i'm usually down and sad 99.9% of the time and i drag people's mood down all the time.i'm so sorry that people have to waste their precious time caring about me and sometimes people get tired of caring about me. i just wanted to say that i have a sickness that can't be cured so easily. i've been living with it for years now and i'm sorry to say that no matter what you do to make me happy, it won't work. it's not that i don't appreciate what you do for me, but I just can't find joy in life no matter what and I hope that you can understand that this is how i feel.
i'm sorry that i get angry or irritated easily most of the time. even i myself don't know what's happening to me it's like all of a sudden, this feeling takes over me and i just turn out crazy. it happens more frequently these days and this feeling makes me sad because i end up hurting many other people. but it sure doesn't mean that i hate you it just means that i need a little space.
i'm sorry that sometimes i don't feel like talking some times. i'm sorry that it may have caused you to think that i'm mad at you but i'm not. it's just some days i'm not at my best and i don't wish to speak about things. furthermore, sometimes when i feel that our conversation is a dead end, i would rather save the conversation than to end up hurting both parties, which is me and you. some days, i just won't feel like talking, and it's all part of this "feeling" that i have. i know it's hard for you to relate, not even understand how i feel and you might think"why is she always so sad? i don't understand. why doesn't she want our help or want to talk to us? she's so hard to understand." well, it's hard to explain so i'll save it for another day. for now, just know that some times i get tired and knowing that nothing will help, i just don't feel the need to spend more time talking about it and end up with nothing being solved. i hate to keep going round and round this problem over and over again with so many people and end up driving people crazy and sad because of me.
i know some times it gets really hard to understand me or make me happy. i'm aware of how each and everyone of you is worried about and i know how much effort you spend just to make my life better. i'm really thankful for what you have done but just one thing.next time, don't bother. i'm sorry to say that no matter what you do, my condition stays the same, or gets worse. i don't even think anything will help me now. however, i would really appreciate if you could just be patient with me and stay by my side and that is already more than you can do. i really dont need anything from you because you are never going to make things better for me no matter how hard you try. i just need you. i'm really sorry that some times i just can't fit in much with everyone else. on a good day, i try to but on bad days, i just wanna be alone and i dont have the motivation to talk or laugh or even go out.
being my friend is hard and it's only gonna get harder based on my deteriorating condition. and this honestly isn't my choice. i would like to be happy as much as you would like to but i can't do this. all this anxiety in me makes me want to scream and cry and not go to school and meet people. i hope that you really understand how crazy all this is right now. i'm terribly sorry for all of my future actions that will hurt you and you are free to back out from this any time. and i know that i'm hurting everyone so im sorry for that. i know saying sorry isn't gonna help much but this will have to do for now. i promise that i'll try to get better soon and seek help. i'm sorry that you have to be friends with me and sorry for putting you in shit. maybe when i get better, we'll have no worries and fear anymore. maybe now is not the right time. i'm sorry for disappointing you.
No comments:
Post a Comment