strangerous

I really can't believe how I'm still using this avenue that I created when I was an immature 12 year old to communicate. I would cringe at the thought of recalling what insensible thoughts I had in the past but I really love to visit this place all the time no matter how old I get because I feel free when I write about my thoughts instead of just keeping them in my head. Then again, I'm glad how my posts gets less childish-y each time I pick up my keyboard to write. This is going to be quite a lengthy post so brace yourself for all the content.

Well,where did I left off from the previous time? In life, not everything is worthy to be kept in your memories,but if they do stay in your memories, it is sure to be something really significant and important to you. How do I begin? Another person in my level left this world again. I think this is by far one of the few things that are very significant to me. Although this time, I don't really know this person but the impact he left me wasn't any lesser to the previous guy. I learnt many things from school,but to be really honest, you don't know anything until you really experience them yourself. Unfortunately, this is the second time in the year I experienced the feeling of someone close to me who went through death. Probably death isn't very special because many people die every day. But to me, death is a very scary concept and I can't accept anyone I know leaving me. I get attached to people easily and everyone is important to me. I hate people leaving and never coming back.I hate the sinking feeling of not being able to see or hear some things ever again. I don't really know what it is about this year but all the things hadn't been going really well this year,in fact, not at all. I constantly feel like I'm frozen this year and this year's me isn't really me. My grades,my personality,my motivation have all went into hibernation. And with all of the confusion and people leaving me, I get even more confused and desperate to find back my old self. There are so many changes this year and things are spinning out of control that I really don't know how to step in and get things into shape.

This year, I didn't particularly feel very much about many things. There were many events going on in school and everything but somehow, I didn't feel much for it. I just felt like things went by in a blur and so I let it. I guess I spent this whole year trying to figure out who I am and at the same time trying to run away from it. I got in and out of my depressed mode all the time and the nights hit me like a hurricane and there was no end to this nightmare. Many people and things still come across to me as "stranger" and I guess it's just my trust issues talking. Yes,I made friends and yes,I could confide in them and all. But to whom I really trust and to whom I would depend on is still a complete question mark.New class and friends and all but I kinda don't want to make any new friends. I have a best friend whom I thought we were really close. I guess at one point of time, we were really the best of friends and I would gladly do anything for her at all. But somehow, the last time I saw her, I felt the fireworks in us died down. Just useless mandatory convos that wouldn't last a day,the feeling was completely different from what we had years ago. Then I realised, how I had to let it go because things are never going to be the same between us again. People come and go,people change. I still have strong friendships of 9 years going on but most of them just died.


So then, this year. I'm stuck in finding someone who will stay by my side. Then I recall, one after another, they all left me. We all started as strangers,trying to get to know each other. But after some time, someone gets bored and leaves so what is the point of all this? I don't even know who's being real of fake,who's being friends with me for the sake of it.Some aren't even sincere and some don't even give a shit. So I just chose to keep a handful whom I thought were quite trustworthy. I guess it will take me a really long time before I get to figure out. People after people, after chatting with them for a period of time, we just don't talk anymore. I hate this feeling for all the emotions and hype you gave me was important and significant to me and it meant something to  me and you can't just cut me off like that and expect me to be alright without you. This is especially relevant to a person who destroyed my life.

This guy, he changed my entire life. He was the first person who gave me such a feeling and left me with it,expecting me to be alright again. But yet, now I'm stuck here,desperately trying to find someone who could made me feel the same way again,made me feel alive again. Every where I look,someone's just contented because there's someone for them,and I get jealous because I don't.And this whole year,I'm just busy trying to find the same feeling that I forgot who I'm supposed to be.

And of course, I went on living life so cautiously afraid of things changing and being aware of how impermanent things are. And then things just went on a downwards spiral after that. I never felt happy anymore,just because I keep chasing after something,which actually taught me that chasing happiness will never bring happiness.Then I went on a trip recently,which I actually didn't feel any particular motivation to go in the first place. I wasn't happy with everything at that point of time,especially the group that I was in for that trip. But one thing I didn't expect was how surprisingly I enjoyed spending time with my group mates. Once again, I felt that innocent and pure happiness that I haven't felt in a long while. I met a stranger again, but this time, I didn't know if I should trust this person because although this person seems like a nice person that could make me forget about my past , I didn't want to make a reckless and hasty decision in the intention of running away from my past. I particularly enjoyed spending time with this person and there were many things that I can't forget. But back to reality, I'm just not sure if it's just lust or it's my heart speaking again.Then again, I'm usually more in love with the feeling than the person so I don't really trust what I feel. But this person sure made me finally get away from my past for awhile during that period of time but I really shouldn't be expecting much because I know that every time this happens, it's just a dead end and nothing will actually progress from here onwards but then again, I really miss the feeling and I look back at the pictures again and I know that some things will never be the same again.

Unsurprisingly, back from the trip, another scary stranger came along as well,except this time, a different type of stranger. A scarier one, another person who changed my life. This stranger stole some things away from me and I will never forgive this person or forget about this person but I really don't know why I allowed this person to carry on so I guess in a way it was my fault. But it has really left a great impact on me and right now, I feel extremely guilty and lost again.

I'm at a lost for what to say right now because honestly,things have been going on faster than my brain can process it and right now, I'm in a delusional mode so I haven't really felt much of the aftermath but I'm pretty sure it won't let me run away with it. But one thing that's special about us humans is that we eventually get used to things that don't break us. It isn't healthy at all but what choice do I have? I just knew that I desperately have to get over that face of his and stop jumping and get goose bumps whenever I see that familiar face again.I really needed the courage to move on and start a new beginning for a new me,someone who tries to forget about the past and enjoy the things I do, and eventually find someone who will be there for,but this time,not a stranger, and not someone who leaves.